憂鬱

這兩天憂鬱的很

晚上睡前，早上起床都憂鬱的哭了

自憐自艾

好像不滿意現在的狀態

不開心

想著現在新婚應該是最開心的時刻，但是我憂鬱

思考著人生的意義

老公跟我，我們都幸福嗎？終於能在一起

但常常這樣安靜的一整天，他看到我始終冷冷的沒表情沒情緒，我好像感受不到被愛

我好像沒有被satisfied

Then what do I want? 憂鬱著，想著如果神在我裡面，早已賜給我屬天的喜樂，平安，跟盼望，那我到底在憂鬱不滿什麼

想著Henry 安慰著不知道為何哭，如此憂鬱的我，肯定也是不知所措的

就是這麼眼眶紅紅，怨天怨地的這兩天

😣

專屬游泳池

嘿嘿😁今天游了四十趟來回

一個人的專屬泳池

多謝Covid 

鄰居幾天沒回家，網上買的grocery被放在門口超過兩天，今天丟垃圾時發現 那些grocery  直接被丟到垃圾房了

哈哈 於是第一次當撿垃圾的拾荒女人

撿了這半週的水果食材，不知道心情該如何反應，又不敢幸災樂禍，但最終還是蠻愉快的 哈哈哈哈

日子也是挺特別的～～～ 😂

幸福

我有一個很吃苦耐勞疼愛我的老公

他早上做藍莓燕麥粥，中午給我煮番茄炒蛋，晚上燒豬排咖喱飯

然後我們每晚一人一杯紅酒，一起看韓劇

有什麼比這個還享受了

雖然吵架起來真的很氣憤，很難受😣

想哭想逃吃不下東西

但大部分時間，有他在身邊陪伴，照顧，自己好像可以當公主，可以示弱，謝謝他寵我

Live at the moment

妳只要不斷的練習「活在現在」，思考著這一刻，妳覺得什麼事值得妳花時間的，而妳想要什麼？妳是誰？想成為什麼？把人生掌控權拿回來。每個時刻，都可能是最有力量的

再次重複這句話：真實勝過完美。

「愛是深深的理解和接納。」

Same kind of fight (7.23.2020)

Same kind of fight

吵架真的是很傷害兩人，很傷害感情的事情

總總的指責，抱怨，自我否定

現在的我

想起昨天傍晚因為一通電話開始的沒完沒了的傷害

懊惱又自責

想著自己在這個感情裡面的自私，無能

道理都懂，可是為什麼還是這樣愛鑽牛角尖，不放過對方跟自己

最後弄的兩敗俱傷。。。。

難過說明明希望他可以更愛我，更花心思在我身上，更注意到我，更想念我

好像，我用否定的方式（最不好的方式）希望他可以改變，希望他可以知道我，了解我的需要，好

明明都說鼓勵的方式才是最有用的，我實在不是很聰明，把他越推越遠了

可能現在在他心中，我是滿有地雷，難接近難相處的人，一講話就要講很久，很多強迫症跟規定。。。。

可是能重來嗎？重來我又能做得更好嗎？

自責，內疚，想走遠這個讓我失敗的地方

我覺得我是很差勁的女友，很難搞的女友

我自己都瞧不起的人，滿滿失敗感，看到自己傷害到自己心愛的人，很難受，也很怕我們就會越來越遠，感情越來越淡

也很怕這樣的破壞，回不到從前了，我根本沒有能力給他幸福

好煩。。。。。

為什麼要這樣刁難別人，刁難自己呢？

可是又為什麼有這麼多希望得到attention的地方呢？

為什麼感受就是很不好呢？

為什麼就是會感覺不受重視？不受喜愛呢？

為什麼就是希望能感受到他主動 愛我呢？

為什麼有時候就是感受不到他的愛？

那些曾經 花時間寫簡訊跟我說愛我 跟我說幸福 appreciate我 主動打電話給我 

那些曾經  我滿足滿意因為可以有機會愛他，陪伴他 只希望他是他自己的我？

對他來說也是吧

常常被懷疑，被不信任

努力被否定，嘗試也被否定，好像一無四處

明明已經盡力在聽，在做，在安慰了

為什麼都沒用，像是被打敗了

無法使我開心，無法讓自己心愛的人幸福，開心

但就是做不到，無法哄她，無法再被罵之後馬上轉換心情，轉換角度無動於衷

他可能也覺得自己是很糟糕的男朋友，根本沒有能力給我幸福

很累很無力吧

卡住了

我們兩個

好煩，我們不但沒有因為有彼此變得更好，更開心

在吵架中，常常摩出的都是傷痕，都是懼怕

因為我們兩個各自的問題，各自的不健康，我們傷害彼此

在這樣的時候，我不知道到底我們談什麼婚姻

我們真的可以幸福的踏上禮堂嗎？

我真的可以等到那一天嗎？

滿滿的幸福跟確定，毫無猶豫的結婚嗎？

如果這麼多這樣的疑問

還是等等吧。。我怕我做不好，我怕我搞砸

我怕我沒有辦法做好這個角色

我怕我要求太多

我怕我不滿足

我怕我讓我愛的人傷心，生氣，難受

我自己不夠好，不夠健康，談什麼戀愛

馬路中間竿竿

有中間的boundary 保護彼此來車，馬路竿竿

有選擇還是比較舒服，是祝福，兩道馬路

路，影子

路都是人走出來的

我的影子好高大，好強壯

無所畏懼

Dan McCollam teaching

Dan McCollam

Worship made to impact the earth

Ambassador 

Connect heaven purpose to earth realm 

Worship to delight our Father’s heart

Worship to him, but for us! Worship is meant to change us. A gift He gave us to transform us to the image of Christ. 

God doesn’t need us to worship, it doesn’t change Him. To him but for us! Releasing something over one and another

God is seeking the lost or the worshipper!

Through knowing him, His fullness can come out of us. 

John 4- seeking worshipper who worship in spirit and truth

Ephesians 5: produce the experience( encounter) to songs, and repeat those encounter again 

Colossians 3:16 let the words of God dwell in us. Teach one another with your songs, songs will condition your thoughts. To affect thoughts with songs. 

Take our spiritual encounter and turn into songs, and recreating the encounter to teach one another. Recreating the atmosphere!  

Worship is a tool of discipleship, 

Tool of reconnecting with Him, but also a tool for our transformation! 

Music- highest brain function activity ( 8 functions) effect every level of your consciousness. Highest activity of your full conscious! 

Teaching( sermon)-only one part of brain function

Worship with the level of our revelation 

Lead worshipper 

God Called the foolish thing to confine the wise

Pascal- not those who write the laws have the greatest impact, but the song that revive the generation 

Everything was created and shaped with sound

The earth will respond to the sound because it was created with sound 

Frequency- All matter vibrate 

Resonance 

Law of Entrainment- when two things have the same frequency, 

Power of life and death is in your tongue

The universe will respond to you when you are align with the Lord even it is through you.  

Worship is singing with heaven 

Speaking the language of heaven to the earth through the language of the earth for the earth. 

Jesus is- Fully God fully man

Worship God, being a Leader and ambassador  to the people! ( horizontal, vertical) 

Sing a song while focusing on God with an intention to release comfort/ healing/ message over other people.

Love God better when you love other better

1. Songs- petition
2. Songs- invitation ( what is that we are supposed to do, why we are supposed to do it) 
3. Songs-declaration ( identity, intention, truth)
4. Songs- adoration ( focus on nature of God) 

When you agree with what God said who you are, then you start becoming like that person 

Your experience will always come with a level that you declare 

The Power of Sound

What is worship?
- bow before someone, lift his name, fully surrender
-what do I bow to?
- some people, worship our self, surrender to our feeling, desires, body
- worship popularity, bow down to people, please people, social media
-worship to country, community



- Worship beyond Sunday service
- the place someone should serve should match the primary grace on their life.

• The place someone serves should match the grace on their life. We don’t all fit into the fivefold ministry. 
• To lead on a sunday morning you need a pastoral grace to gather people and lead them.
• You cannot conform everyone to work in a Sunday morning setting.
• There are different graces for different places.
• In a worship community you can create places for all the different kinds of people who have a heart to worship. 
• The purpose of the five fold gifts is that we would have unity. That we would receive wholeness. 

Five fold graces in worship look like this. 

• Teacher grace - There is an emphasis on:
• The message, the content, all the songs will be on the same theme. 
• In songwriting, they are the ones that can write verses with ease. 
• Often there is a learning agenda with the songs they choose and write.

• Pastoral grace - Has an emphasis on:
•  Inclusion. 
• Pastors are shepherds. They are gatherers 
• Seeks to appeal to the larger audience.
• They choose the songs that engage people every time. 
• The message, music and art are often secondary to the agenda of its effectiveness.
• Writing songs that are easy to sing and remember isn’t an artistic copout. It’s actually a grace from the Holy Spirit to draw large amounts of people together.

• Evangelistic grace - Has an emphasis on:
• The call or testimony
• They will be drawn to the greatest need in the room
• A call to enlist for a cause or a purpose. 
• It’s an art and music that expresses a tendency to be 1 dimensional because it has a narrow focus on the individual. 
• A lot of salvation, and testimony songs.

Prophetic grace - has an emphasis on:

• Creating atmosphere
• The art and music can be mystical, and spiritual
• This artist or musician will have more a sub-culture following than mainstream. 
• For instance, The Grateful Dead. They play their music differently every time. They have a prophetic anointing that has never been redeemed. 
• Their music can be very experience oriented. It’s all about having an encounter.

• Apostolic grace - (the word apostle means sent ones, with authority and power.) emphasis on:
• Mission.
• Subject of art or music could be political, a mindset and transformation
• Pioneering
• They capture the sound and cry of a generation. 

How do you find your primary grace? What does your heart beat with?

The grace is the lens for your leadership. 

What are you most drawn to? This doesn’t meant that if you are prophetic, you can’t lead on Sunday morning. You just may have to put your prophetic gifting under subjection and go to where the people are and bring them into that prophetic place with you. 

But that the whole community would come together. You have to celebrate where worship is happening in other places than Sunday morning. There is something beyond Sunday mornings. We will never transform the world by just reaching the church.

 There are 7 mountains of society. 

• Family
• Education
• Media
• Business
• Government
• Arts and entertainment
• Religion

I believe that there is a place for worship in each one of these areas. Maybe not the worship we do on Sunday mornings. Start to dream what you fivefold grace could look like in the area of society that you also have grace for. 

Worship is one of the primary ways that we manifest Heaven on earth. Why? Because the atmosphere of Heaven is continuous worship. 

If we do what Heaven is doing we make what is possible in heaven possible on earth.

Helen’s encouragement

Helen text

I just saw your Instagram post, and just want to give you a big big hug. Us girls dream about weddings since how old? Maybe 3? Lol...the fluffy sparkly dress, the veil, maybe a crown on the head. And then the flowers, bubbles floating in the air, the cake, laughters, blessings, surrounded by loved ones and most importantly the Prince Charming. The vow, saying “I do”, exchanging the rings and that first kiss as mr. and mrs. 

等了這麼久的一天本來終於要來了，內心有多麼激動和興奮！卻沒想到因為一個病毒，全部落空⋯。心裡一定很失落，感覺是個好大的缺口，甚至是遺憾～ 我只是想讓妳知道 it’s ok to feel this way, 任何人期待很久的事情沒有如願發生，一定都是很難接受的。但在覺得失望的同時，我想和妳分享～ there’s no perfect weddings. My wedding was definitely NOT how I imagined and it was far from perfect. I didn’t get to have the wedding cake I want. I didn’t get to buy a wedding dress with my closest friends by my side telling me how good I look. I didn’t have the sunset, the sea breeze, the flower petals showering on me. And because I was too nervous, I didn’t get to enjoy my wedding. I kept on thinking “I need to do this next, and then that, and then this should happen.” I was physically there but my mind was completely occupied by the run downs.  And looking back, I wish my wedding was way smaller. I wish only my family and closest friends were present, even if that means there’s only 10 people.

But you know what? Even with all these 遺憾, I’m certain God has placed the imperfections in the wedding to remind me, 因為我們是人，不完美的人，所以我們所做的計畫，一定都會有不完美。只有神才是完美，只有祂才知道我們真正需要的是什麼，and many times “blessings” are delayed but not forgotten.

神很眷顧妳，讓你先有個極小的婚禮，有家人在身邊給妳滿滿的祝福，你也不需要顧及其他路人朋友 and shared every single moment every second with family. 爸爸媽媽妹妹能在這麼重要的時刻一直和妳這麼靠近的照相，說話，聊天, 看著妳幸福的笑容。 （路人朋友會一直滑手機然然後想說什麼時候可以吃到飯）Henry也一直在妳身邊不需要去跟伯父伯母阿姨姑姑奶奶鄰居小學同學去敬酒😂。 這是神給妳和Henry和你們最親密的家人的「精心時刻」! 多麼美好！（我好遺憾我結婚時哥哥不在身邊，我也忙得暈頭轉向沒時間顧及我的爸爸媽媽，但其實他們才是最最重要的人啊！）

As you look forward to the “real wedding” next year, remember God will still place imperfections in it. But because God has placed them, they are the “perfect imperfections”.  And having imperfections don’t mean you “failed” and bubbles burst. They teach you that’s truly important in life and looking at it with God’s vision will remind you to put your focus on Him, rather than yourself. To know that God has placed you and Henry together, to honor Him and be blessings for others! And hopefully the virus will be in control  by then so even more people can attend (like me!).

My reply

我在想我內心一直比較介意的是先領證，先結婚的身分開始跟Henry 生活，再過一年才辦婚禮。那個順序可能是我覺得不完美的地方，也是我一直希望堅持的，就是說好像都已經是合法名義夫妻的身分了，大家也都很祝福恭喜我們，但是我們還要花很多錢辦一場正式期待的婚禮，然後一年後才正式的道別父母，講誓言⋯ 然後牧師才宣布我們成為夫妻。這些的順序讓我內心是比較難過關想通的。

不過我有意識到，也許這些struggle 是因為我太在乎別人怎麼想，怎麼看了⋯⋯怕感動不一樣，嫁女兒的心情也變調⋯或是覺得我多此一舉，再花那麼多錢put up something when they are already married couple.. etc 等等等的胡思亂想,我想這可能是我在學習跟調適的部分 to focus on marriage 本身。因為like Henry often told me, 妳想太多了，妳也不能決定別人怎麼看怎麼想，我想大家都還是很替你們開心，興奮，希望在場跟你們一起慶祝的，不會因為你們已經名義上是夫妻了就不感動了。

但我想我知道如果我focus on what I really want in the wedding, which is to thank my parents formally, and to honor God with our love and vows, 那明年的婚禮I will definitely get to do that and enjoy that, then that’s all that matters. 當我可以更單純不在意別人怎麼想的話，我知道我自己本身對明年的婚禮的期待和感動是不會變的。 

其實我很感謝神給我這些我覺得內心比較過不去的部分，讓我去成長跟接納自己，自己確實是在這塊比較過不去，在意婚禮會不再一樣了，就算每個人其實都說沒怎麼樣，這樣的安排很好。

然後去真實了解自己到底在意什麼，想要什麼，什麼才是真正重要的。就像妳說的是很好, I need to focus on honor Henry, love him, and we can serve God together as a team.

Aww 神真的是很眷顧我們，那天小婚禮很好玩，我們好像事先經歷了一小部分真正婚禮會發生的事一樣，雜事很多！出門前最後一刻，我媽媽開始問我幫她化妝，跟我借指甲油😂我妹要叫我幫忙綁頭髮，然後總總電話找不到停車位，場地，沒收訊，然後本來看的大樹有人竟然搭了小棚子開始野餐😂😂😂我跟Henry 忙得團團轉。果然當天不能沒有coordinator 哈哈哈哈哈哈 感覺需要設想的事會爆多。但很感恩，那天大吃特吃，然後雙方家人們在我們新的公寓也都吃喝的很開心，也很感動我妹妹幫我做結婚蛋糕🍰如果大婚禮，她不太可能做給這麼多人吃，而這個蛋糕獨一無二，大家都吃得很開心🥳

10/4/2020

Today was supposed to be our wedding day. The decision to sign the legal marriage license first and postpone the real wedding was not an easy congruent one for me (It may be easy for others) Even though I am thankful and positive believing it is the right and good decision for everyone, there are still days I actually woke up thinking about it with tears, feeling hard to accept, and imperfect... (ahh this one thing I imagined and waited patiently to come)

It’s a mix feeling I can hardly describe and maybe I am still processing😂

This process makes me re-evaluate the meaning of wedding ceremony again and again. In the midst of it, I am super thankful Henry is SO patient with me through the process. He comforts me and embraces my emotions. 

Thank God for this year’s imperfection, so I get to have two different weddings! Haha I guess I am the lucky one. 😝

And I believe next year’s wedding is still going to be as touching, beautiful, exciting, fun, and meaningful as if it happens today.

Love is all that matters❤️thank you all for loving me! 

Praise to Abba Father who never stops loving me.

#10042020

#processmythoughts 

#thankful 

#imperfectionisbeauty