JOY

Walking into this season of JOY....
Walking into church feeling so hard, so heavy....
yet, the worship team  keep singing JOY, JOY to the LORD


How harsh, how hard for me to stand there worshiping God saying it is my joy to be able to praise Him.

I don't know if I should just stop singing and worshiping...because I am feeling so sorrow at the moment.

10 days passed, still hard for me to digest the world without him...
We are like strangers now......... He used to be the one I loved the most!
Even church become a difficult place for me to stay.
Tears come down, and I pray to God.
"Thank you for taking him away from me, thank You for doing that! Thank you for taking away the love of my life...." so I can learn how to dance in the rain.

Tears keep coming down, nonstop.....
release, peace, release, peace......joy!!!
I sang so loudly, JOY to the World, the King has born....I shouted.
But my heart is crying and hurting....


I think I finally understand a little bit how to"dance in the rain"
laugh, sing to the Lord, thank you! It is the joy for me to praise You, but at the same time....my heart is tearing and burning.

Lord, thank you for releasing my heart and my hurt through this. Thank you for curing me through this difficult situation, that I can cry and be happy at the same time.

Jesus, Thank you for taking him away from me. You know it is too hard for me to do it by myself, so you just force him to leave me!
But yet Lord, it is so harsh and difficult for me. 

I still remember half year ago, I was so guilty and so ashame, that I am not able to go to You. I felt you don't want me to be with him. I could not come close to you...I felt so mix feeling and so hard to even attend Sunday service. I was so struggle and could not get close with You. After these few months, thank you for letting me come back and hug me hard...Thank you for accepting me, the broken me...again. Restore me Jesus! I need restoration.

Zhiyong, are you happy without me by your side?
May the King of the Universe, the prince of joy, peace, love comfort you and lead you to freedom of your soul.
May you find the true freedom in the LORD.
I am sorry I have hurt you. I am sorry I had fight with you and not being honest and patience with you. I am sorry I didn't love the way you are, but trying to change you to the ideal man. You are my dearest man who I love and treasure. Thank you for your courage to make such decision. I understand it is not easy for both of us to leave each other. You have made me happy, and once I thought I am the happiest girl in the world. Thank you :)


I just hope you can be happy. Lord, bless him daily so he can feel the love of You pouring on to him.