Tim Keller said: "It is a way for two spiritual friends to help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed them to be...there is a kind of deeper happiness that is found on the far side of holiness."
I guess it is good to settled down my mind to rethink about the meaning of marriage... What does it take to get married? And are we ready? Are we right with God as spiritual friends who can truly help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed us to be?
A lot of time, I felt irritated and frustrated not knowing the path of us, the timeline of us, the commitment level of us...and want to control it all. I will ask bunch of questions just to know more, and always feel cold water pouring on the hot plate, disappointing... As he does not even put on much thoughts on "US" and "our future" and "Marry me"...
My insecurity will raise up high as I am pondering the thoughts of : Will it all disappear all at once? Will he just tell a stop all of sudden? And why do I want to use "Marriage" to feel secure... in the first place. But maybe I was sure I love this man and I would love him and embrace him whatever the cost it is. But how about if I love him, why can’t I wait patiently till he is ready? Or will he ever be ready?
He thinks we still "missed" something, and what is it? If a year of us spending a lot of time on each other can't find it, then when can we do find it? Will the time solve it? Or do I just have to keep waiting and keep waiting not knowing when will be the end of it? Why do I feel frustrated when all he asked is some patience of mine, some time, and some trust in him. Am I the one who is not serious about this marriage thing?
Ultimately, I trust God who put us together, as it is a miracle itself... and I trust him who says he loves me and who is serious in loving me. If one day he is going to leave me, then the marriage won't stop him. If he is going to stay by my side, then the marriage will come eventually. How come I can't wait, and can't have patience and trust in him? How come I am all after grabbing something, and hold on to his actions when I should be enjoying my "being single" time, and truly embrace myself that I can totally feel free to follow my God...not with a man. Why do I sometimes feel stuck being in this situation where I can’t freely move on, and can’t go back neither. The time when I should solely rely on my God’s calling~~
Sometimes I even wonder if we were to be together a year or two later... will we get married sooner? sometimes I just think we will be able to achieve so much more for God if we are committed to get married and serve him wholeheartedly as a family! What’s that puzzle we are missing and will we ever find it? If we can’t find it, maybe we will be apart from each other for the good... and so we should let it be huh?!
But yes, reality is not like that. In reality, Henry was so hurt and totally burn out from past serving and convicted that he doesn’t want to serve in the same church anymore now. In reality, he has to finish his master degree and pursuit all his dream to a stable career and save more money. In reality, he doesn’t think about marrying me as he is very busy...and his priority is not relationship like I am....
And, obviously, in the back of my mind, I know there is something wrong with how we view our God, and how we believe in true "happy future"...and I wouldn't want to risk my marriage into a man who does not fear God and would not serve God. I am not saying he is...However, I believe we definitely have those difference views in life and our future. He, a lot of times, is all after playing it safe, comfortable and stable. But, I am actually excited for some unknown lead from God. But what if our difference is always there, and actually there is not much we can do to fix it. I can’t change him neither he can change me. Is he really that Godly man I am gonna be with, follow after, and obey for the rest of my life? I would hope so, but I have no answer....
Maybe time will show us, maybe after a year, I am still asking the same questions...
In the meantime, I want to keep following God wholeheartly and pray for my future half to be a Godly man who would follow God, and lead my future family to eternity!
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