fear

is it that FEAR of being hurt again let me distance people?
is it that FEAR of being reject let me not open to share with other?

right now...
in my home home SD
being all alone


.......
..........
..................

that is why I refuse to come back here
to accept AGAIN that those who were dear to me are all gone~

like strangers
like all those happened are just memory

I even doubt that I know them
I doubt whether we were close before

I am not strong, I admit
Even though I try so hard to be COOL, to be so CARELESS, to be so IGNORANCE...
but deep in my heart, I DO care and got hurt

I keep myself happy
I tried to be happy and busy
I tried to pretend I am ok
because there should not be any reason that I am not OK

I know I am ok...
but after all those tv noise are gone
after the night has turned dark

I sit there
slowly putting photos into photo book
I want to talk to him
I did not even get to talk with him at all today

am I allowed to?
Should I try to reach him?
Am I wrong?
I don't know anymore~~
feels like I am losing a family, losing a good friend, losing a big part

like he said, "it is tough"
yup! It is tough

all I can do is accept
which I think I can accept, just the uneasiness is still in my heart
I cannot really not care at all
I cannot have no feeling about it at all

especially, I am all alone
When I am moving heavy bed and heavy shelves myself,
those sad feeling comes up a lot
keeps telling me that I am so poor, no friends, no nothing here......
I keep comfort myself that I am ok,
It is good to be alone sometimes too~~

but it pile up


when I don't have alone time, I desperate want it,
now I don't want to be alone.....
wish he can be here with me...
wish someone can help me....just someone....


Today, Pastor Lam talks about our great commission
to GO in to groups and shine there
don't just consume and be a little light out of all the light
but be the huge light in the dark

God is speaking to me through this!!!
I need to open myself up,
that is the only way I can go into group and touch hearts!!
so often I can't open my heart and share with other people blaming that we just don't get along....

it is fear
it is fear
fear of throwing out myself to other
fear of being true to people I don't know
fear of being hurt again

I am always so true and honest with Weber
I didn't hide any feeling or things from him....
because we were being so true to each other, we were able to build our friendship and love

right now,
I am just afraid to open myself to new friends
afraid they won't accept me
afraid they don't like me
afraid of being hurt
That is why I can never go deep with them and build real friendship

then how can I share gospel with people I meet, did I really go into them?

how often we ask them to be part of us, but we don't GO to be part of them.

fear....go away
fear...I command you to go away
Lord, give me courage so I can be true to myself and to other people
don't try to hide myself or hide anything
even I will get hurt
lord, i still want to throw my heart to people
because only heart can win hearts
strengthen my heart Lord, so there is no more fear or any devil's voice to distract me!!!!
distract me from stand firm and be bold to what I believe and what I say.

I want to be who I am
who God created me
I want to stay true to myself, being the real me to myself....if I am feeling sad, then admit it! if I am feeling struggle, then admit it! PRETEND OK is not going to help but pile up. Accept I am a weak and sinful person, then learn and learn to CHANGE for better!!
I will say truth
I will not hide from people
I will say what I mean and mean what I say
I will apologize if I say or do things that I shouldn't be doing

Daddy, wipe away my fear
and wipe away my tear
wipe away my sorrow
for I am New in You!!!!!!

in Jesus name I pray, Amen

prayer is with Power, with God's power!!!!! so WHY FEAR?

add oil!!!!! no fear of being alone, no fear of reaching out to people and share life!

Tomorrow morning, I am meeting Pastor Lam in the church
so I need to go to bed now.....or I am not going to wake up on time!!!

ps....my computer can't type Chinese, so weird!!!!