Titus 2

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say "NO" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope- the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good!

These, then, are the things you should teach. encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.

Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.

At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by this grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone.


Lord, let these words soak into my body, my mind and my soul so I understand and remember. Thank you for your grace that we may say No to ungodliness and world passions. Father, in this upcoming new year, help me to learn about self-controlled....be able to live with discipline. Thank you for saving me through your blood.

Thankful

I am thankful for mommy cook for me
I am thankful for sister to hang out with me
I am thankful for daddy to drive all the way to Guangzhou just to spend a day with me
I am thankful for Henry to stay by my side, hear me cry, and comfort me
I am thankful for God who never give up on me, loving me, accepting me, died for me because of my sin.

訂好場地

今晚定好場地了！

感覺十分開心，踏實，也格外興奮幸福

討論著婚禮當天我想要那個，希望那個，需要那個

討論討論著⋯越來越沈重

Henry 跟我的態度不知不覺因為不同想法跟感受開始非常僵持，不太開心

今晚發現，其實在這樣半吵架，半冷淡的狀態中，我才是那個不太會接納他情緒的人，甚至不知道怎麼應對有情緒無法言語也無法主動做任何事情的他，只想罵人發洩得到他的反應，或是遠離這個場景來試圖安靜一下。原來我才是那個真正不知道怎麼應對和接納有情緒的人😂

幸福的感覺

能專注用心把一件事做完做好是很幸福很滿足的，哪怕只是刷刷牙，摺一下衣服，擦個地板

27th years old

Letter to myself and to my love ones

Hey Candy! Your love ones are here with you for your birthday.

Thinking about what and how do I want to celebrate my 27th bday. Supposedly the last birthday before I get married! I am still single now lol yes, single lady

I am somewhat a dreamer( live in fairy tail land) and a perfectionist, and although I dream about having surprised Birthday, but reality is I want to make sure I am not disappoint, and I still get what I want on my birthday. Just for myself. And that is to have all of you around with me. 

All of you being my closest friends should already know that I am a person who values relationship and friendships A lot! Sometimes too much. 

So I am truly grateful you are here tonight to spend time with me:) 你們每一個人都是在我生命裡面非常特別, 感動的存在

Today I want to share my journey/reflection of my past year. 

1.     Situation: Fear/anxious about all the uncertain, Church, relationship, God told me to wait..

2.     Spiritual Counselling – healing, forgiving, inner vows/lies, knowing myself process

3.     Read, pray, Fasting for Henry understand and get touched by God’s love. Fasting social media for 47 days

4.     Engaged

5.     What I learn about myself, and about God

In the past year, there are many ups and downs, with my love life, with work, with my fellowship church life, and with my relationship with God. 

Beginning of the year, I started to think about the meaning of marriage. and yes, as we get more intimate emotionally and physically, I started to feel very insecured and anxious about if our relationship is going anywhere or if he is second thought our relationship. I started to push and punch Henry here and there about when are we going to get married.
Although it is something I would not think of myself be doing, something I thought only happen in TV drama...His answer is always: i don't know...I need more time. I felt something is missing...
焦慮，失望，自責，哭泣，情緒化都會時不時跑出來, self doubt about myself not good enough, having too much emotion...

And at the same time I am praying hard to know what kind of man, marriage I actually want...


Henry and I often time get into really big discussion about church, about fellowship, and he questioned and criticized about the actual fruit that can be carried out through fellowship...through meeting every Friday...through the way we do thing now...

I started a journey with a spiritual counselor every two weeks.
I read through different marriage book, sermon, teaching about marriage, about man not wanting to commit to marriage yet...
I was reading book about church, and I raised bunch of questions about God, about how he sees church today, about what is it that He actually cares...


It is kind of chaos stage in my life...non of things in my life is stable or steady as i wanted them to be.

My boyfriend was not sure about getting married with me.
Many questions about church and fellowship purpose need to be answered. All the ways I was serving faithfully got questioned, and I was anxious about those two important parts of my life.

I told God, if this is the man you want me to get married to, show me sign! And I asked two signs from HIM.

Although no one can really understand my heart at the time, neither do i,
Sometimes I feel lonely that I feel no one can really understand me, but God told me, He understands. And its enough.

God remind me to - wait, & enjoy and be healed by His love. 

" We want to move forward in our lives. We want to keep saying "I'm fine" and pressing ahead as if that's really true. But Jesus in his infinite love for us sometimes slows us down for a season so that he can heal our hearts"

Tears immediately came down..God is using everything to make me believe in Him more. To make me go into this season of fasting for Henry. Of slowly understand His love and who He is. and I can be healed. Yes...I definitely need time to be healed.

i started fasting for 40 days...for Henry
I wanted him to go back to church. I wanted him to not leave God, leave faith.

But it turned out, it is the best and deeper time with God.
I forced myself to not eat lunch, but go to car and simply read bible, pray, and listen.
I remembered the goodness of simply enjoy God's words, and sweet sweet presence.
i got reminded that it is only a process for Henry, a stage of hitting wall, of not receiving anything...and God loves him so much more than i love him.

With the spiritual counselor, I learned about inner vows, and I pray to forgive myself hurting blaming myself. I pray to forgive my mom, or anyone who hurt me and make me believe I am less valuable than how God sees me.

I am ...

-想被愛的女孩

-內心深處接納我自己，愛我自己

-自責自己不是一個自己希望能夠成為的人（在沒辦法坦然接受自己的時候），會哭，會guilt trip Henry, 會情緒勒索

-想得到attention，跟被特別對待來知道自己的價值，來知道自己是值得被愛的，值得被喜歡的，因為太想有這樣被愛的安全感時，會哭，會鬧會怪罪跟責怪別人，使亨利能來看到我，鼓勵我，愛我，稱讚我，給我價值，比我自己還先接納我自己

-怕被討厭，怕被不喜歡，怕衝突，怕不完美，怕自己失望，怕別人失望，怕自己沒用，在別人生命中是沒用的，不被需要的

-價值常常建立在我能付出多少，給予多少，有沒有被需要，有沒有被想到

1. You can love and embrace yourself, be a little bit selfish. 累的時候就承認，真心的接納自己的軟弱以及生命中的不完美不完全

2. 妳的價值不在妳的家人朋友怎麼看妳對待妳，也不在於妳在工作的成就以及突破，妳原本就是被愛的，被上帝狠狠愛的女兒，不是因為妳做了些什麼
3. 上帝很希望你單純享受在他的愛裡做自己, 疼愛自己, 多給自己一點時間跟空間

4. You have to say out what you want and need. 認真面對自己的人, 是勇敢的人 麻煩一點  難搞一點又怎麼樣呢?  身邊愛你的人都願意愛這樣的你喔

5. discipline set you free. Freedom to pick and choose what is good for me. Discipline also gives you strength, away from bad habit

7. Our emotions reflect what we choose to focus on.

When I focused on my own hurt, I felt hurt and angry.When i focused on loving other, I was filled with the love of God.
Choose to focus on loving others, rather than concentrating on my self-centered, unmet expectations.
祢來釋放原諒我 對我自己的不接納對自己的責備 還有有時候批評控告自己  不喜歡自己哭  有情緒 因為這些都不是屬於你的

8. I am at home…surrender, trust God will give you the best …

Pray for me….

上帝,

在這個即將進入二十七歲的夜晚, 謝謝你讓我身邊都是我愛,愛我的人與我一起

你是這些謊言的相反  你來原諒我的罪 我的驕傲  我孤兒的心

Replace with a new one, strong one, the truth that I am loved wholly and solely by You.

你讓我知道我自己的價值不是從我有多少朋友 有多少朋友喜歡我  爸爸媽媽是不是以我為榮  有甚麼優點 有甚麼樣賺很多錢的工作 甚至頭銜  這一切美好事物的源頭都是你 上帝

Father, forgive Candy and replace those lies and fear with courage and with confidence. Thank You Father for loving me and telling me that I can be who I am as where I am, I don’t need to run away and make myself perfect, because You are what is matters.

上帝 新的一年  我要更深更深超練信心的功課  安靜的功課 等待的功課  捨棄手上東西的功課  還有經歷兩人成為一人的祝福  兩家成為一家  婚禮的籌備可以經歷到你的豐豐富富的恩典和供應, refresh me to the origin me…to how you created me.

I wish to be a broken vessel for You to use.

I wish to disciple people for your kingdom, I want to teach about worship, importance of our sound/voice

I want to video tape, video edit my life, my moments... document it.

想要有一個可以充滿神榮耀的婚禮, 祝福到不認識上帝的人~

同理心

將同理心朝向自己，與自己連結

撥一點同理心放在自己身上，在困境難過的情緒中，能夠感受到被理解，是多麽幸福的事！

Candy 妳好嗎？

現在感受怎麼樣呢？ 

我知道妳昨天沒有睡好，心情也沒有不好，但是就是累的身體無法入眠

妳是不是感覺很累？

妳是不是感覺很無力，對於自己的情緒黑洞感到害怕，妳是不是很怕很討厭在那樣黑洞裡面無能為力的感覺，並且極度希望有人可以懂妳，疼妳，愛妳，抱抱妳，接納妳，救妳。

妳是不是很討厭讓別人看到這樣的自己，這麼無力，這麼害怕，這麼需要愛跟關注的自己。

妳是不是幾乎都有衝動希望自己可以躲起來，遠離人群，不要被看到被責怪，遠離這些責任，這些需要表現好，這些需要情緒穩定，需要不無理取鬧，但其實內心希望自己可以更被人在乎，甚至亨利可以因此心急的來找妳，告訴妳他需要妳，他想妳，他想跟妳聊天，他想要妳在他身邊，不想失去妳。

妳是不是沒有辦法相信自己，相信自己是可愛的，值得被疼愛的。妳是不是沒有辦法相信亨利會喜歡，會有辦法忍受甚至愛這樣的自己。 自憐，憤怒，甚至剁剁逼人的自己。甚至害怕跟人接觸，再變成那樣子很難相處的樣子，使人討厭，受不了的樣子。

親愛的Candy, 我懂妳的感受，妳辛苦了，這些感受確實不好受，頭腦裡面也是很努力想要勇敢，想要脫離這樣的狀態，想要健康，想要愛自己

每次只要出現這個，妳就會無比害怕以後再發生，甚至天天都會害怕自己變成那樣。

Candy, 妳現在最想要做什麼？ 

逃離⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯

逃離到很遠很遠的地方⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯

想要這一切的事情都沒發生過

想要自己當下就選擇放過別人放過自己

想要一切重來

妳可以休息一下啊！累了就休息一下啊

無力解決，就等有力量的時候再解決啊

妳辛苦了，我心疼妳，心疼妳責怪自己，沒辦法愛自己，心疼妳的眼淚，心疼妳渴望被愛的心

會好的，一切都沒有那麼嚴重的，不要害怕，情緒是正常的，感受到不被在乎有反應是正常的，接受自己的情緒，會哭

但是妳是有能力可以出來的

妳比妳想像中的更勇敢，有時候怕的不得了的時候，妳只是需要掛掉電話，妳只是需要去洗個澡

其實妳才是最需要幫助妳自己的人啊

幹嘛怕妳自己呢

妳很重要啊

妳的眼淚，妳的情緒很重要啊

不用怕，因為發生就發生啦，發生不代表不能站起來，重新選擇微笑，重新選擇相信，重新選擇保護，重新選擇愛和原諒跟理解啊

妳理解妳，知道自己其實沒事了！那就選擇沒事吧！

妳很好啊，妳很勇敢 妳知道妳是阿爸天父的寶貝女兒

妳可以有情緒反應啊，妳也可以選擇要怎麼反應，妳可以選擇原諒他，相信他的愛，相信他明明知道妳的一些不健康，還是愛妳，還是選擇妳，還是要跟妳走一生。妳可以選擇讓妳自己開心起來啊！

我知道妳很希望就繼續跟亨利開開心心

都不會感覺到挫折，也不會生氣，自責

但是發生不開心一下下有什麼大不了的呢

但是沒辦法每天都很開心不是也是正常的嗎？

妳在怕什麼呢？

他愛妳愛到底的

他不理解妳的感覺，但是他很努力想要跟妳一起去面對的

好啦 沒事啦

不用糾結啦！妳可以選擇不要浪費你們能在一起相處的時間

不用重來啊，每天每一刻都是新的，都可以有新的選擇和決定！

笑吧！開心的去吃飯吧

情緒黑洞-責怪別人，自責自己

Candy的小詭計

想要是好人，不想做錯事被責怪

怕被亨利討厭，也怕他覺得我麻煩難搞難處理，不體貼, 太多這種沒有安全感的情緒和話語

不能接受自己，尤其是接受自己正在造成別人的麻煩的時候，逼迫別人的時候，自己變成自己最受不了的時候

怕被質疑定罪，否定自己的努力和情緒

使用責怪的方式和藉口來顯得自己重要，希望被在乎，引起注意

需要被confirm 自己是被愛的，是可愛的，是正常的，了解她是因為在乎才會責怪

這時候如果被當個孩子的哄一哄,不要跟我計較

「Awww 我真的記性很不好耶！都記不住， 不要不高興嘛！很想你耶」之類的

Candy, Henry 很愛妳很愛妳，他也很期待可以忙完後打給妳聽到妳的聲音，跟妳聊聊天！沒關係的，妳很努力在控制自己的情緒了，雖然這次沒有很成功，但是下一次妳就會更了解妳自己的，不用害怕妳不能成為體貼的未婚妻，因為妳已經本身就是可愛的美麗善良的未婚妻了。 妳不用怕，也不用對自己沒自信，妳多接納妳自己，妳是有能力控制自己情緒的女人，妳也是無庸置疑最適合亨利的女人！妳是體貼他，也理解他，也願意陪伴在他身邊的女人，妳也是值得被亨利呵護疼愛保護的女人。沒事的，慢慢來，妳已經有進步了，再勇敢一點點，擁有被討厭的勇氣！亨利最喜歡跟妳在一起了，只是當然當他被人責怪時，就會開始責怪妳。沒事的，都是小事， 沒什麼大不了的！

早點睡覺吧I love you Candy:)