Titus 2

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say "NO" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope- the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good!

These, then, are the things you should teach. encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.

Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.

At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by this grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone.


Lord, let these words soak into my body, my mind and my soul so I understand and remember. Thank you for your grace that we may say No to ungodliness and world passions. Father, in this upcoming new year, help me to learn about self-controlled....be able to live with discipline. Thank you for saving me through your blood.

Thankful

I am thankful for mommy cook for me
I am thankful for sister to hang out with me
I am thankful for daddy to drive all the way to Guangzhou just to spend a day with me
I am thankful for Henry to stay by my side, hear me cry, and comfort me
I am thankful for God who never give up on me, loving me, accepting me, died for me because of my sin.

訂好場地

今晚定好場地了！

感覺十分開心，踏實，也格外興奮幸福

討論著婚禮當天我想要那個，希望那個，需要那個

討論討論著⋯越來越沈重

Henry 跟我的態度不知不覺因為不同想法跟感受開始非常僵持，不太開心

今晚發現，其實在這樣半吵架，半冷淡的狀態中，我才是那個不太會接納他情緒的人，甚至不知道怎麼應對有情緒無法言語也無法主動做任何事情的他，只想罵人發洩得到他的反應，或是遠離這個場景來試圖安靜一下。原來我才是那個真正不知道怎麼應對和接納有情緒的人😂

幸福的感覺

能專注用心把一件事做完做好是很幸福很滿足的，哪怕只是刷刷牙，摺一下衣服，擦個地板

27th years old

Letter to myself and to my love ones

Hey Candy! Your love ones are here with you for your birthday.

Thinking about what and how do I want to celebrate my 27th bday. Supposedly the last birthday before I get married! I am still single now lol yes, single lady

I am somewhat a dreamer( live in fairy tail land) and a perfectionist, and although I dream about having surprised Birthday, but reality is I want to make sure I am not disappoint, and I still get what I want on my birthday. Just for myself. And that is to have all of you around with me. 

All of you being my closest friends should already know that I am a person who values relationship and friendships A lot! Sometimes too much. 

So I am truly grateful you are here tonight to spend time with me:) 你們每一個人都是在我生命裡面非常特別, 感動的存在

Today I want to share my journey/reflection of my past year. 

1.     Situation: Fear/anxious about all the uncertain, Church, relationship, God told me to wait..

2.     Spiritual Counselling – healing, forgiving, inner vows/lies, knowing myself process

3.     Read, pray, Fasting for Henry understand and get touched by God’s love. Fasting social media for 47 days

4.     Engaged

5.     What I learn about myself, and about God

In the past year, there are many ups and downs, with my love life, with work, with my fellowship church life, and with my relationship with God. 

Beginning of the year, I started to think about the meaning of marriage. and yes, as we get more intimate emotionally and physically, I started to feel very insecured and anxious about if our relationship is going anywhere or if he is second thought our relationship. I started to push and punch Henry here and there about when are we going to get married.
Although it is something I would not think of myself be doing, something I thought only happen in TV drama...His answer is always: i don't know...I need more time. I felt something is missing...
焦慮，失望，自責，哭泣，情緒化都會時不時跑出來, self doubt about myself not good enough, having too much emotion...

And at the same time I am praying hard to know what kind of man, marriage I actually want...


Henry and I often time get into really big discussion about church, about fellowship, and he questioned and criticized about the actual fruit that can be carried out through fellowship...through meeting every Friday...through the way we do thing now...

I started a journey with a spiritual counselor every two weeks.
I read through different marriage book, sermon, teaching about marriage, about man not wanting to commit to marriage yet...
I was reading book about church, and I raised bunch of questions about God, about how he sees church today, about what is it that He actually cares...


It is kind of chaos stage in my life...non of things in my life is stable or steady as i wanted them to be.

My boyfriend was not sure about getting married with me.
Many questions about church and fellowship purpose need to be answered. All the ways I was serving faithfully got questioned, and I was anxious about those two important parts of my life.

I told God, if this is the man you want me to get married to, show me sign! And I asked two signs from HIM.

Although no one can really understand my heart at the time, neither do i,
Sometimes I feel lonely that I feel no one can really understand me, but God told me, He understands. And its enough.

God remind me to - wait, & enjoy and be healed by His love. 

" We want to move forward in our lives. We want to keep saying "I'm fine" and pressing ahead as if that's really true. But Jesus in his infinite love for us sometimes slows us down for a season so that he can heal our hearts"

Tears immediately came down..God is using everything to make me believe in Him more. To make me go into this season of fasting for Henry. Of slowly understand His love and who He is. and I can be healed. Yes...I definitely need time to be healed.

i started fasting for 40 days...for Henry
I wanted him to go back to church. I wanted him to not leave God, leave faith.

But it turned out, it is the best and deeper time with God.
I forced myself to not eat lunch, but go to car and simply read bible, pray, and listen.
I remembered the goodness of simply enjoy God's words, and sweet sweet presence.
i got reminded that it is only a process for Henry, a stage of hitting wall, of not receiving anything...and God loves him so much more than i love him.

With the spiritual counselor, I learned about inner vows, and I pray to forgive myself hurting blaming myself. I pray to forgive my mom, or anyone who hurt me and make me believe I am less valuable than how God sees me.

I am ...

-想被愛的女孩

-內心深處接納我自己，愛我自己

-自責自己不是一個自己希望能夠成為的人（在沒辦法坦然接受自己的時候），會哭，會guilt trip Henry, 會情緒勒索

-想得到attention，跟被特別對待來知道自己的價值，來知道自己是值得被愛的，值得被喜歡的，因為太想有這樣被愛的安全感時，會哭，會鬧會怪罪跟責怪別人，使亨利能來看到我，鼓勵我，愛我，稱讚我，給我價值，比我自己還先接納我自己

-怕被討厭，怕被不喜歡，怕衝突，怕不完美，怕自己失望，怕別人失望，怕自己沒用，在別人生命中是沒用的，不被需要的

-價值常常建立在我能付出多少，給予多少，有沒有被需要，有沒有被想到

1. You can love and embrace yourself, be a little bit selfish. 累的時候就承認，真心的接納自己的軟弱以及生命中的不完美不完全

2. 妳的價值不在妳的家人朋友怎麼看妳對待妳，也不在於妳在工作的成就以及突破，妳原本就是被愛的，被上帝狠狠愛的女兒，不是因為妳做了些什麼
3. 上帝很希望你單純享受在他的愛裡做自己, 疼愛自己, 多給自己一點時間跟空間

4. You have to say out what you want and need. 認真面對自己的人, 是勇敢的人 麻煩一點  難搞一點又怎麼樣呢?  身邊愛你的人都願意愛這樣的你喔

5. discipline set you free. Freedom to pick and choose what is good for me. Discipline also gives you strength, away from bad habit

7. Our emotions reflect what we choose to focus on.

When I focused on my own hurt, I felt hurt and angry.When i focused on loving other, I was filled with the love of God.
Choose to focus on loving others, rather than concentrating on my self-centered, unmet expectations.
祢來釋放原諒我 對我自己的不接納對自己的責備 還有有時候批評控告自己  不喜歡自己哭  有情緒 因為這些都不是屬於你的

8. I am at home…surrender, trust God will give you the best …

Pray for me….

上帝,

在這個即將進入二十七歲的夜晚, 謝謝你讓我身邊都是我愛,愛我的人與我一起

你是這些謊言的相反  你來原諒我的罪 我的驕傲  我孤兒的心

Replace with a new one, strong one, the truth that I am loved wholly and solely by You.

你讓我知道我自己的價值不是從我有多少朋友 有多少朋友喜歡我  爸爸媽媽是不是以我為榮  有甚麼優點 有甚麼樣賺很多錢的工作 甚至頭銜  這一切美好事物的源頭都是你 上帝

Father, forgive Candy and replace those lies and fear with courage and with confidence. Thank You Father for loving me and telling me that I can be who I am as where I am, I don’t need to run away and make myself perfect, because You are what is matters.

上帝 新的一年  我要更深更深超練信心的功課  安靜的功課 等待的功課  捨棄手上東西的功課  還有經歷兩人成為一人的祝福  兩家成為一家  婚禮的籌備可以經歷到你的豐豐富富的恩典和供應, refresh me to the origin me…to how you created me.

I wish to be a broken vessel for You to use.

I wish to disciple people for your kingdom, I want to teach about worship, importance of our sound/voice

I want to video tape, video edit my life, my moments... document it.

想要有一個可以充滿神榮耀的婚禮, 祝福到不認識上帝的人~

同理心

將同理心朝向自己，與自己連結

撥一點同理心放在自己身上，在困境難過的情緒中，能夠感受到被理解，是多麽幸福的事！

Candy 妳好嗎？

現在感受怎麼樣呢？ 

我知道妳昨天沒有睡好，心情也沒有不好，但是就是累的身體無法入眠

妳是不是感覺很累？

妳是不是感覺很無力，對於自己的情緒黑洞感到害怕，妳是不是很怕很討厭在那樣黑洞裡面無能為力的感覺，並且極度希望有人可以懂妳，疼妳，愛妳，抱抱妳，接納妳，救妳。

妳是不是很討厭讓別人看到這樣的自己，這麼無力，這麼害怕，這麼需要愛跟關注的自己。

妳是不是幾乎都有衝動希望自己可以躲起來，遠離人群，不要被看到被責怪，遠離這些責任，這些需要表現好，這些需要情緒穩定，需要不無理取鬧，但其實內心希望自己可以更被人在乎，甚至亨利可以因此心急的來找妳，告訴妳他需要妳，他想妳，他想跟妳聊天，他想要妳在他身邊，不想失去妳。

妳是不是沒有辦法相信自己，相信自己是可愛的，值得被疼愛的。妳是不是沒有辦法相信亨利會喜歡，會有辦法忍受甚至愛這樣的自己。 自憐，憤怒，甚至剁剁逼人的自己。甚至害怕跟人接觸，再變成那樣子很難相處的樣子，使人討厭，受不了的樣子。

親愛的Candy, 我懂妳的感受，妳辛苦了，這些感受確實不好受，頭腦裡面也是很努力想要勇敢，想要脫離這樣的狀態，想要健康，想要愛自己

每次只要出現這個，妳就會無比害怕以後再發生，甚至天天都會害怕自己變成那樣。

Candy, 妳現在最想要做什麼？ 

逃離⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯

逃離到很遠很遠的地方⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯

想要這一切的事情都沒發生過

想要自己當下就選擇放過別人放過自己

想要一切重來

妳可以休息一下啊！累了就休息一下啊

無力解決，就等有力量的時候再解決啊

妳辛苦了，我心疼妳，心疼妳責怪自己，沒辦法愛自己，心疼妳的眼淚，心疼妳渴望被愛的心

會好的，一切都沒有那麼嚴重的，不要害怕，情緒是正常的，感受到不被在乎有反應是正常的，接受自己的情緒，會哭

但是妳是有能力可以出來的

妳比妳想像中的更勇敢，有時候怕的不得了的時候，妳只是需要掛掉電話，妳只是需要去洗個澡

其實妳才是最需要幫助妳自己的人啊

幹嘛怕妳自己呢

妳很重要啊

妳的眼淚，妳的情緒很重要啊

不用怕，因為發生就發生啦，發生不代表不能站起來，重新選擇微笑，重新選擇相信，重新選擇保護，重新選擇愛和原諒跟理解啊

妳理解妳，知道自己其實沒事了！那就選擇沒事吧！

妳很好啊，妳很勇敢 妳知道妳是阿爸天父的寶貝女兒

妳可以有情緒反應啊，妳也可以選擇要怎麼反應，妳可以選擇原諒他，相信他的愛，相信他明明知道妳的一些不健康，還是愛妳，還是選擇妳，還是要跟妳走一生。妳可以選擇讓妳自己開心起來啊！

我知道妳很希望就繼續跟亨利開開心心

都不會感覺到挫折，也不會生氣，自責

但是發生不開心一下下有什麼大不了的呢

但是沒辦法每天都很開心不是也是正常的嗎？

妳在怕什麼呢？

他愛妳愛到底的

他不理解妳的感覺，但是他很努力想要跟妳一起去面對的

好啦 沒事啦

不用糾結啦！妳可以選擇不要浪費你們能在一起相處的時間

不用重來啊，每天每一刻都是新的，都可以有新的選擇和決定！

笑吧！開心的去吃飯吧

情緒黑洞-責怪別人，自責自己

Candy的小詭計

想要是好人，不想做錯事被責怪

怕被亨利討厭，也怕他覺得我麻煩難搞難處理，不體貼, 太多這種沒有安全感的情緒和話語

不能接受自己，尤其是接受自己正在造成別人的麻煩的時候，逼迫別人的時候，自己變成自己最受不了的時候

怕被質疑定罪，否定自己的努力和情緒

使用責怪的方式和藉口來顯得自己重要，希望被在乎，引起注意

需要被confirm 自己是被愛的，是可愛的，是正常的，了解她是因為在乎才會責怪

這時候如果被當個孩子的哄一哄,不要跟我計較

「Awww 我真的記性很不好耶！都記不住， 不要不高興嘛！很想你耶」之類的

Candy, Henry 很愛妳很愛妳，他也很期待可以忙完後打給妳聽到妳的聲音，跟妳聊聊天！沒關係的，妳很努力在控制自己的情緒了，雖然這次沒有很成功，但是下一次妳就會更了解妳自己的，不用害怕妳不能成為體貼的未婚妻，因為妳已經本身就是可愛的美麗善良的未婚妻了。 妳不用怕，也不用對自己沒自信，妳多接納妳自己，妳是有能力控制自己情緒的女人，妳也是無庸置疑最適合亨利的女人！妳是體貼他，也理解他，也願意陪伴在他身邊的女人，妳也是值得被亨利呵護疼愛保護的女人。沒事的，慢慢來，妳已經有進步了，再勇敢一點點，擁有被討厭的勇氣！亨利最喜歡跟妳在一起了，只是當然當他被人責怪時，就會開始責怪妳。沒事的，都是小事， 沒什麼大不了的！

早點睡覺吧I love you Candy:) 

Post retreat PTL

I guess I never wrote down what happened that night...

I simply share with my fellowship and Henry, but did not take time to write down what God said to me.

On the last night before the end of the retreat.

The usual responding time. I am the worship team leader on that set and got notified lastly that the speaker is not gonna use our worship team to do the responding, but play YouTube clips. It’s a bit ODD, but Okk.

I didn’t expect much and certainly don’t want to go to the front to accept Jesus again. But this time, it’s different, the pastor called out: who wants to receive love? ( is it different? Or maybe I am just desperate at the moment lol) 

Bling! This is exactly what I want right now, at the moment!

I want God’s love!!!!!

I no longer want to care about what other people would think of me, but yes I want God’s love.

I step forward sooo quickly, and there is a quiet voice in my mind asking me to kneel.

“NOooo~~~ 我才不要勒” my first reaction is my mind. 

And then, I close my eyes continue thinking about kneeling

And pastor says: feel free to kneel, sit or stand in front of God.

My mind blown, “alright alright I will kneel” I will surrender 

I kneeled and tears running down, released, and released

I felt like I am at home. Although there is a drum set in front of me ... I can feel my heart and whole body is so at ease.... that I feel like I am at home, super loved and comfortable, that I no longer care the surrunding 

God says to me: see~~~ you know Me, You have known me, You know this feeling of going home right? You know me! Don’t live in fears anymore, come home!

Great great comfort. My heart respond: yessss I know You Father. I know this feeling, I have experienced it before.

And then the pastor: I sense some of you here is feeling like home, who are like the older son, who is always home, working so hard to earn love, but doesn’t feel loved.

Today, God wants to tell you that You are loved, and You are always loved. you are home. I saw what you have done for me, and You have done a great job.

Tears spurs..... unstopped 

Crying my heart with overwhelming joy and peace!!!!

And then, I thought of my situation with Henry...

The whole proposal thing. I asked God, what’s up with that? I am sad, I am upset...

God answers: yo girl, don’t you worry. I give you the best. I gave you Henry, the best man you can think of in the world. I always give you th best. More than you can think of. Trust me! You are my daughter, you don’t deserve anything lessss

Me continue Weeping ....

Lord, all I want is You, is to live in Your presence, to be more aware of Your Holy Spirit, Your voice and Your love. 

Eat the whole bread

持續經歷神

不是我們自己努力找方法試圖要做神的見證

而是神要透過我們的軟弱顯出他的大能

上帝在你生命中的能力是隱藏不住的！

耶穌的光是隱藏不住的

以至於神的名被高舉，每人都被吸引過去

常常思想耶穌基督，遇見耶穌基督

常常思想什麼，就會一直想到什麼

常常思想神的國

神國的能力

看見神的榮耀

天上的國

所有的能力都不是我們禱告讀經禁食得來的，而是用信心得著看見神的榮耀同在

上帝要給他的兒女餅，所以多可笑我們看著碎渣兒求

像是說 爸爸 求你給我飯吃

相信爸爸的愛

不用求碎渣 天父不是給我們碎渣而已

天國的餅

天父想要我們擁有他的一切

但我們好像一直在等待可以繼承

做兒女的應該不缺乏天父一切的愛

尊榮的身分- 不再用自己的眼光看周圍的人，看這個環境，我們是聖徒！

世人，當人達到某種標準時，我才能給他某個名號

但是耶穌看我們為尊榮

尊榮-看見神的眼光來看我們的生命，神看我們為可愛

神尊榮你的能力！

神稱你為什麼，你就是什麼！

神說是什麼，命立就立定

認出神怎麼尊榮Candy 

不是在我們做事坐滿時經歷神，而是在不做什麼的時候經歷神，留空間給神來對你說話

Leave room for God.

神說：妳認識他啊！你認識Henry 啊！你認識非常愛妳的Henry 啊！妳認識他啊，相信妳認識的他啊！

不用被他的話語，撒旦的聲音來影響妳啊！妳認識他啊，妳相信他愛妳啊！妳相信妳是有價值被愛的，不是會輕易被放棄的

安息在神裡面，安息就是與神同在

Retreat day 2-2019

Lord, I am tired of regretting 

I am tired of keep thinking about what’s right and what’s wrong. Tired of analysis the situation and make judgement. I am tired of thinking how to make him happy or win him back. I am tired of thinking who is right, who is logical, who is emotional...

I am tired of trying hard to please Henry, or be the gentle girl that is always nice. I am tired of trying hard to getting his approval, and making him need me or like me. 

I just want to rest in Your love.

I am tired of gaining your favor and love as well. Try harder, read Your words more frequently, and pray more....

Lord, here I am.... lacking of energy to love unselfishly. Who did not know how to love,  I am right here lord. 

Your love is suppose to not only let me cry, but heal me and set me free, 

Breath

Breath my love for you in!

I am right here right now 

I am with Henry as well, so don’t worry about him just now

Focus on breathing my love

Let go of what to reply him, what to say to him, what is best for him. Take good care of yourself. You have been way too tired, you are restless thinking about all those that happened

Step back 

Reserve

Take some good amount of time to enjoy my love before you know and is able to love with agape love

You are loved deeply by the Lord!

You are cared deeply by the Lord!

Jesus died for you already!!! He did! For you

Lord, I come to Your throne

I come to Your throne and lay my relationship with Henry in Your hand. You know what’s the best for us and know love us the best. Heal us individually, and shine Your glory and love and mercy on us once again, 我們真的不行，但上帝我相信你的愛超越這些困難，你的愛讓我們自然而然能去愛，能去毫無保留，無怨無悔，不期待回報的愛，你的愛來充滿我們，使我們親身先經歷你那美妙的愛，而不是一直看著我們自己，我們要什麼，我們的不同，而是上帝，你是誰，你怎麼看我，你怎麼看他，你怎麼看我們。上帝，我害怕犯姦淫的罪，我怕面對這樣的軟弱，我害怕失去你的愛，有一天你就不愛我了

但是奉耶穌的名，斥責這樣的謊言，上帝對我的愛不是有條件的愛，而是永不止息的愛，而是雖然看我犯罪痛心，但是卻還是來抱抱我

上帝，你要放在一起的人，沒有人可以分開，這兩天時間，來對我和Henry 說話，使我們在你裡面得到恢復，清楚你的旨意

奉主耶穌的名，阿們

Rabbi, where do you live ?

聖靈帶領我們才能夠經歷天國的豐盛，榮耀，全能

我們有耶穌的靈在我們裡面！

彰顯天國的大能

被天父的愛來充滿，觸摸

天父怎麼想我這個人

天父怎麼看這件事

天國的思維

不是妳該做什麼

而是妳什麼都不能做

開始學習順服耶穌所做的

常常我們沒有期待神的國在中間

天國代言人為別人禱告

天父啊 你是怎麼看我的？讓耶穌的愛充滿我。

敬拜，讚美，禱告，是否真的感受到上帝的愛？

神樂意愛我

放下自己，渴慕神，經歷神，領受神要給我的一起

只當讚美跟感恩的基督徒，不是真實把祝福給出去

相信禱告嗎

信心大小並不是用來決定有沒有神蹟

上帝才是決定有沒有神蹟

但是信心大容易與神同在，神同在一直都在，但是信心大的人更容易歡迎神遇見神，期待神

I know I probably should just go by myself and of course I can just go buy food

但是我心裡好像不甘心覺得自己很可憐

我好像希望他感到guilty 而可以更在乎擔心我來主動approach 我

我好像期待自己可以是一個很有耐心，等他出現的時候可以對他微笑的人，我好像希望他也想要趕快看到我

而當下他來的時候，我好像還是不能夠有勇氣放下我的委屈和希望被注意到

而抓著他哭訴，這個讓我一瞬間很自責，不知道自己為什麼要把這件完全沒怎樣，只是一個事實的事搞大

然後聽到他說他很有壓力

我開始更加自責，覺得自己根本無法承受不知道自己問題為什麼這麼大

I shouldn’t I shouldn’t I shouldn’t ... be upset... I shouldn’t ...

但想到自己是麻煩的人，想到自己是給別人壓力的人，想到自己很麻煩很糟糕，我哭得更難過

後來有一個小小的聲音回答我：他有壓力就有壓力啊，難道不能就acknowledge 他會有壓力嗎？就讓他當他啊！可能我就是會一定程度是一個給他壓力的人。我就是不是那麼完美的女朋友，難道一定要一直定罪自己自責自己把自己打的很慘然後一直哭出不來

接納自己的不完美吧

接納自己就是有時會給亨利壓力

但是亨利願意也選擇去承受這個壓力，所以let him own it! 不需要在定罪自己是一個不體貼的女朋友，你努力做一個體貼的女朋友了

那個時候的確有更勇敢的選擇，可以愛自己做自己想要做的事情的選擇，可以選擇不讓自己可憐

那沒關係，下次再練習勇敢一次

下次再試試看，就算還是選擇繼續等，也給自己多一點恩典吧

Candy, 慢慢來，it’s ok.

有點難接受自己現在這個樣子吧，這樣的不完美

會給別人壓力的Candy 

有點麻煩的Candy

愛哭的Candy 

愛怪罪人亂生氣的Candy 

不夠勇敢的Candy 

特意要麻煩人讓人可以對我好的Candy 

是一個罪人的Candy 

但是上帝還是愛妳

妳還是值得被愛的

不管今天妳變成怎麼樣，上帝還是愛妳

SVT -南航

這個禮拜，南航來檢測我們的軟件

每天從早到晚，學習，開會，陪吃飯，解釋翻譯，解決問題！

身體很累，精神很刺激很hyper, constantly need to focus, observe, engage, and help out!

上班以來從來沒有這麼excited and tired, full of learning 

沒有一週下班上班腦袋都在想著工作，如此focus

昨晚離開客人, 開著車，reflect on what did I learn more about myself, and how to handle meetings/customers/ situations.

優勢：

understand Mandarin, 

be able to build relationship with customers, proactive and execute fast

Know Chinese culture more

Humble and work hard

Hospitality 

需改進

• need to be able to explain things and communicate in a clearer manner. Need to catch the main point and reason behind things. 
• Jack( assume customer’s view and take, assume they do not care)
• Jack ( did not give customer options to choose, but force them to sign and agree)
• Conflict of internal, who drives the meeting....Jack tries to move on, I tried to explain, David tried to control and make sure customers understand.
• Ask the right question at the right time 
• Be bold for the customers, and my company 
• Listen and understand quickly, and take notes quickly. Tend to process and understand slow. Couldn’t just catch it on the fly, type out everything David said. Can’t type and listen/ understand at the same time.
• Be more observant on the situation, and be able to turn it around
• 即時翻譯

520 today

戀舊的我翻起五年前的FB
看到一篇文...看完無比感動
最重要的是有一個留言的人:是亨利!
原來他在五年前就已經在幫我加油了~
其實想念那時候對上帝充滿滿腔熱血的自己和他

我始終記得亨利在敬拜雙手高舉敬拜我們的上帝那一幕
那個畫面烙印在我的心裡
那個愛神敬畏神的男人
那個專心滿心願意服事的他
那個禱告都是為著聖潔的他

五前年的這篇文 我其實不太記得我做了甚麼決定
但是一定是對我非常難的一個決定
我回去看以前的日記, 是那時候要跟志勇分開的掙扎
我那時候的掙扎, 感受到神深深的使我毫無平安, 想要分開為著可以追隨神
我想誇獎那時候勇敢的自己
我想誇獎勇敢的自己
為了愛神　可以放下自己真的很依賴很喜歡的男人
了解自己的個性　知道那個有多麼不容易
五年前的Candy! 妳真的很棒　上帝紀念這一個決定　
哪怕最後還是選擇跟他在一起掙扎了這麼多年．．．回頭看　我知道妳很努力在追求在敬畏上帝



想起現在五年過後
多少個流淚的夜晚
多少個找尋上帝痛苦的夜晚
又有多少個喜樂得勝的早晨
又有多少個上帝在我生命中行的奇蹟
現在我的身邊有那個鼓勵我愛我的亨利
上帝特別恩待我~也再次用這篇文章提醒我

我發現越加長大變老, 其實越膽小
深怕一轉身, 甚麼都沒有了
如果今天上帝要我捨棄亨利, 我願意嗎?
直到今天我還是願意在神面前說: 我願意  嗎？
我知道我不能失去上帝　無論如何
所以我想　如果跟亨利再一起會讓我失去上帝
我還是會選擇捨棄亨利



Jesus Christ today is still my Lord and the Master of my life. I no longer want to merely include God in my plans. I want God to include me in His plans. Whatever that means, whatever the cost, anything, anytime, anywhere.

今天讀到:
你們這些淫亂的人哪
豈不知與世俗為友就是與神為敵嗎?
所以凡想要與世俗為友的 就是與神為敵了

神阻擋驕傲的人
賜恩給謙卑的人

你們親近神, 神就必親近你們

務要在主面前自卑 主就必叫你們升高


願我行事為人不與世俗為友, 一心一意要please people
而是謙卑到主面前單單每一天每一刻說: 我願意
上帝 醫治亨利 拿去那驕傲 拿去那些別人的刺 醫治那些疼痛和傷害
上帝  使他看自己為合宜 不多不少剛剛好
上帝  使他親近祢 祢就親近他
上帝 使他回轉到你面前  能再次舉起雙手降伏在你面前
上帝  祢最知道我的掙扎和我的心思意念

主阿 我們想要真實的關係
不是假的 不是做作的
恢復我們
恢復我們那顆單純愛祢順服祢的心

My Jesus, My Lord, My savior, 520 today!

Rick Warren's Daily Hope- what destroy relationships and what builds them

"Christ makes us one body and individuals who are connected to each other" wired for relationship. we are made to have community and connect to each other.

Easy to get disconnected in relationships.

We are going to have differences. Only people don't have differences are dead people.

Selfishness destroys relationships. 
"What causes fights and quarrels? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but you don't get it."
"Selfishness only causes trouble."

act of selfless:
- go to small group, need the small group, be the help of the small group
-listening, pay attention and give out your time/your life (practice selflessness)


It is human nature to be selfish, to be self-centered, to always think about me, my feeling, my need, what I want..."obey your thirst"...

Selflessness builds relationships
"Look out for one another's interests, not just for your own".
"The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others-and ignoring God- harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, and eternal life."




"Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness".

Respond to God- not to the attack that's coming to you. God rewards selflessness, and we will get real life, and eternal life.

PM 三天

才當PM三天覺得就比我上了三年的班學到的還多

學習我們的產品，我們的system, 我們跟別人的關係

學習到:

1.
不管再不好的消息, 再多未知數和無法預測, 客人也有權利知道任何狀況, 也是我們的職責告訴他們真實的狀況和掙扎, 才是真正的尊重他們

不管再不知道當時的plan 是甚麼, 變數也有很多, 也不一定是對方愛聽的, 但另一半也是有權利知道行程是甚麼, 也是我們的職責做好溝通告訴他們真實的狀況和掙扎, 才是所謂的愛和尊重


我想這樣的溝通是保持任何好的關係的關鍵

當下傳達bad news 並且抱歉和試圖安撫都比不傳達讓人感覺無比失望和感覺不被重視好太多了!

2. 真的要知道我們的產品, 真的要懂我們的system in very detail. 真的要truly understand and learn what's the real issue in order to really help the team & stay on top and be transparent to customers. whenever they ask a question, we need to show that we really understand what they need and understand what's going on, 才不會好像在塘塞客戶一樣

我現在要想辦法學習越多越好 越快越好 才能更好發揮我的功用

上帝的愛

引用一篇 wechat 文章by 以撒花房

如果教導道理和辯論不在上帝的愛裡, 功效微乎其微甚至適得其反
但是如果在上帝的愛裡, 那麼人的教導, 道理, 辯論還沒有開始, 祂的工作就完成了

很多時候我們努力事工, 卻越來越累, 效果越來越差
不是因為努力錯了, 也不是因為做錯了, 而是需要在上帝的愛裡去工作

我們需要在忙碌的節奏裡, 及時回到耶穌的愛裡安息
否則我們就算贏得了時間, 贏得了賞賜, 也失去了自己

願我可以擁有耶穌的愛去面對生命中的人事物
因為奉主耶穌基督的名 耶穌愛你

在愛裡,我們會暫時受到一些委屈, 但因為愛的源頭是耶穌基督, 我們的心裡充滿著甜美與盼望
充滿了力量, 你可以始終溫柔

神真正的僕人
眼神裡面充滿了暖洋洋的光, 好像用利劍刺傷他們, 他們都會覺得你在跟他們玩

願上帝的愛包裹我 使我享受豐盛的平安 穩穩地把愛活出去


我想成為一個真正有愛的人
愛會奪走我為自己說話的權利 ,卻能給我真正的力量
我們的愛太容易被奪走了, 別人對我們冷漠的時候, 別人做傻事的時候, 我們的心似乎很容易糾在一起, 最後乾渴, 不要停在傷害裡, 拿起基督的愛, 用愛去行走

每一個傷害你的人, 都曾是受害者
對他說; 奉主耶穌基督的名 耶穌愛你
饒恕他憐憫他愛他

因為唯有真正的愛, 才能得著一個人的心
每一次被他人的態度傷害, 都是因為我們太缺耶穌的愛, 以至於我們得不到主愛的甘甜, 在我們充滿苦毒時
對我們自己說: 奉主耶穌的名, 耶穌愛你

所以不要在爭對錯, 論長短, 而是回到上帝面前, 讓祂用愛把我們修復
修復關係, 要找對源頭





上帝 我累了 心累 身體累
我不想要在更多思考誰怎麼對我 我怎麼對別人
我不想要在計較自己怎麼受委屈了 應該要得安慰
我想要單單回到你面前 讓你來愛我 來疼我 來修復我
一天一天恢復我 充滿我  愛我
使我能夠有豐富的平安喜樂以至於我可以去愛人去付出
上帝  我不能沒有你
我的工作 我的感情 我的關係 我的生命 擺上在你面前  你使我活的合宜優雅

Our difference

感覺： 難受，沒被重視，因為他沒有主動表達跟溝通自己的行程，還有頗多變數都是要我一個一個去問，感覺我的行程不被重視，感覺自己一廂情願要去攏合他的行程，好像我自己熱臉貼冷屁股，看看哪個時候我才能見到他，讓我感覺我這個女朋友沒被想到，他只希望過單身的生活，而我愛幹嘛幹嘛跟他沒關係。

以後我還要問嗎

assume 週六週日我們會在一起，要是有什麼變更都要最快的去表達跟溝通，然後互相體諒，但是是帶著基本上與對方在一起的基本。

還是assume 我們是單身除非特別約在一起不然自己安排自己的行程也不用溝通跟表達。

Obviously our expectation of being together is different from each other. I assume we are together unless other things took place, you assume we are apart unless we both have free time.

I expect I am Henry’s priority, so I ought to know what’s gonna happen. But Henry expect he has full control over his life, unless he has time for Candy. Henry is my priority and I wish we can spend time together unless there are other things jump in, he has the right to know my schedule. 

Whitney said:

不然你不問 你也過著要幹嘛就幹嘛的生活

這樣兩個人幹嘛在一起

各自單身就好了

你就直接問他”你覺得你現在單身嗎 你知道你有女朋友的嗎 你知道女朋友是幹嘛用的嗎”

他說：

如果你每次計畫都需要我講出我根本還沒確定的事情，然後為著我根本沒辦法控制的原因有可能當天不能跟你見面就不高興的話，我真的不知道要怎麼回答你

我想要回答：

我想你誤會我了。

我知道你並不是故意不跟我講也可能忘記還沒機會，都沒有關係，但我只是感覺你的expectation of telling me 似乎不是因為原本是會跟我在一起，而那天很忙所以可能不能跟我在一起。我並不是因為你那天很忙也還有變數可能不能跟我見面而不高興。我只是感覺不是很好覺得你沒有想到我，似乎我的行程不被重視。

我想我們在對我們交往的定義有點不一樣，所以期待也不一樣，I assume 週六週日我們會在一起，要是有什麼變更都要最快的去表達跟溝通，然後互相體諒，但是是帶著基本上與對方在一起的基本( we are each other priority)。You are probably assuming we are apart unless we are both free.

因為單純dating的話就是各自單身啊 除非有約一起見面啊幹嘛的才出現 可是in a relationship就代表是為兩個人而活 生活上時時都需要以兩個人為單位當出發點 然後考慮and decide on things

我只需要你跟我有同樣對於我們關係的定位，並且能夠大方有耐心的跟我解釋講，baby 那天可能我一整天都會很忙，我也不知道能不能跟你見到面，kyle會在LA, 有可能跟他在那邊吃個飯 (我並不知道，我只能猜他會在Irvine)如果我晚上回的來就可以一起去彼得家的party，但我也還不確定。

這樣的話 我至少可以知道我自己該怎麼計畫，因為我也是先把跟你在一起當priority 計畫我的行程的，所以我也期望你是！

週六如果你不去Peter 家了，那我也不會自己一個人去。如果你沒有要我一起跟Kyle 吃飯，我其實希望我週末可以回SD陪我的妹妹的。

cry out- Sunday service reflection

主啊

再怎麼樣都不想失去祢

不管如何，我都不想失去愛我的主耶穌

堅定包容我所有

愛我到底的主耶穌

再怎麼樣我都要敬拜他榮耀他

裂縫

早上起床時

總是可以最清楚的回憶起前一天發生的事情

在我完美的腦袋裡面

總是幻想著 一個完美的感情

沒有吵架 沒有不合

我們是上帝給我們最完美的另一半

我們會愛護 尊重對方 不會吵架

但是昨天，我們交往將近一年半了

我試著去思考著為什麼吵架

我們兩人的不同和差異以及如何包容跟接納時

那個簡單的問題

那我分析完我們為什麼吵架

因為我們愛人與被愛的方式太不一樣了

你還要跟我一起走下去嗎？

那個答案不是肯定的

那個答案不是答案是問句

他說：妳仔細想過不找一個男生可以理解妳的情感的需求，更可以滿足給妳妳所想要的嗎？我可能一生都會拼命的專心的做我想做的事情，經營感情可能會一直被我放在後面，妳真的想過沒有？妳真的要跟我在一起嗎？

我哭了

也覺得他很傻

我跟他在一起就沒想過要分開了

我覺得他是世界上最好的男生

我一邊哭一邊很生氣他這樣問我

我告訴他 我就是愛他

要是他整天無所事事 每天在我旁邊念叨 甜言蜜語

那也不是我想要的

然後我又問了一次 所以你要跟我走下去嗎？

雖然一直在流淚 但是內心堅定和勇敢的

我一直不知道我問這個問題可以是勇敢的

還是其實內心想到如果分開已經痛的多不舒服了

現在想起來⋯都覺得有一點裂縫

他說：我要！我覺得我再也找不到一個女生這麼愛我 對我這麼好 這麼接納我 這麼包容我的缺點

我哭了

半開心半心疼

為什麼我把我們感情弄成這樣

難道「我」這麼重要嗎？我的想要 我的感覺 我的需求

難道他不是已經給了我我所想要的全部了嗎？

他說 那不要哭了 好嗎

我的內心一股很暖很暖的東西跑出來

馬上被安慰到

我很開心他說了這句話 不知道讓我多開心多感動

我告訴他

我們在磨合

我在拿去我在這段感情裡不需要有的期待

他也需要更了解我的期待，更了解我更包容我的情緒

我也需要更多包容他

我說 我們慢慢來

他說 他覺得他做不到 做不好 很累

他覺得他已經很努力了 但有些我說的要求他根本做不到

他覺得很被打敗 愛我很累

我聽了非常心疼

我愛這個男人 我怎麼讓他這麼辛苦了呢

他看到我一直哭 還寫了這麼多東西肯定也覺得心疼我吧

而且每當我失望一次 他說這會留下深深的烙印

累積起來 他覺得好累

我跟他說 

我們要一起走下去才是重要的

他必須要包容了解我

我也必須要包容了解他

今早起床

我想到這種種的一切

這是裂縫嗎？看到Elise and Roy 說他們從來沒吵過架

一年半都已經結婚了⋯我們呢？

還是我可以看成是曙光

重新出發的曙光

重新認識珍惜對方的曙光

我要好好珍惜這個我愛的男人

我愛他就要包容接納這些我們的不一樣

這樣他也才會慢慢覺得輕鬆自在，才會覺得愛我很容易

蔡月貽 不需要想太多了

好好愛神吧

妳沒有做錯什麼

吵架什麼的也是一個過程而已

專注於上帝吧！

我想 我們的感情實在太需要上帝了！

愛一個人會變得簡單很多吧

修復關係

就這一件事來說

一開始我想說身為一個好的體貼的女朋友

提醒著你一起想著怎麼讓你媽媽感覺被appreciate是一件好的事情 跟對的事情

所以我主動就跟你提起這件事情 當然也是因為你說我要跟你一起參與 如果要吃飯的話

我也是希望如果早一點知道what to expected 你媽媽和家人到底怎麼計畫那天的行程也好

我想你也理解這點

之後會開始有不愉快也是因為你一開始的態度十分的被動 也覺得不到最後一刻並不想要插手

也覺得我不了解你們家人相處的方式 你們都不太在乎

我當下可能真的無法理解這樣的態度

因為我認為愛一個人在乎一個人似乎就是要主動為他付出些甚麼 而不是等到最後再看怎麼樣

我馬上聯想到我自己  因為我似乎不是這樣的一個人 也似乎不希望這樣被對待

而我一直對我愛的人希望將心比心, 個性雞婆  我覺得要是我是你媽媽 能夠被家人特別留出時間 特別稍微計畫一下聚再一起會感覺很特別很被愛 就算當事人不太在意也沒有要求  我也會覺得他還是值得我用心地去appreciate

當然他是你媽媽  我其實並沒有權利也不了解 可能有時候別人並不這樣期待跟感受 你媽媽應該不也不在意 所以我其實本來就是沒有催你去做這件事的權利 畢竟我們沒有結婚 

對於我來說 能夠主動地想到愛的人 並且付出行動很重要 這是我愛人的方式以及期待被愛的方式

所以我一瞬間想起之前的期待和委屈的感受拿出來

也希望可以更了解你這樣態度的背後是什麼樣的想法

最後我想我也更懂你一點 對於你來說 你不是不在乎你的媽媽 當然更加不是不愛你媽媽

只是 似乎這就是你

你從小到大這部是你習慣表達愛的方式

當他們不需要的時候 你去做了一些事情 顯得自己有點蠢 而且你還提到這並不是你原本做事的方式

也會打亂你平常的schedule 

當他們真正的需要你的時候 你到了就可以了 或許這就是你愛你家人的方式

但我想, 你提到說這會打亂你原本做事的方式 跟一直以來生活的方式

對我來說 問一句話有那麼麻煩那麼難嗎? 而且早一點知道你媽媽沒有空難道不好嗎? 是不是你只是希望堅持你一直以來生活的方式 也不希望我打亂你原本做事的方式呢?

那你真的需要我嗎? 我們兩個再一起就是會有一個新的生活的方式 有時候可能就是會需要改變一些你做事的方式 那這一件這麼這麼小的一句話 真的讓你如此委屈了嗎? 真的破壞你的原則跟執著了是嗎? 問一句話真的花這麼多時間了嗎?

這會讓我覺得有一些害怕  也會讓我直接聯想到我...這使我去思考這真的是我可以接受的嗎?

其實你就是一個對於身邊你覺得理解你的人會比較被動的人  你也會習慣性地想要拖延

希望可以先把自己的學業工作處理好  也是為了讓自己才更有能力和時間去愛身邊的人

而當我真的需要你 我就是需要大聲地叫你 大聲的告訴你我的需要 我的想要 你再盡力滿足

但是平常的時候 你再過你的生活 你也不會覺得想要特別為我做些甚麼事情 使我開心 只要做到我說的就好了  差不多就好了也不能過分

而當我對你的期待還是在那裏 也常常有時候很upset希望你可以看到我的期待時 但這其實真的不是你愛我的方式  我就會很容易感覺我不受重視不被你寵愛

不過這個似乎就是我需要去更多包容的你的地方  而你其實也真的進步非常多了  

當時你說 我跟你說這樣很好啊 你能夠早一點問早一點知道 你非常不爽

因為你覺得你被我逼得去改變你平常做的事情 然後事實證明就是你媽媽其實不在乎 你覺得不應該要聽我的

我想你一定是感覺被否定了 感覺自己做事的方式不被接受並且也不被尊重 而是被責怪那樣不叫做在乎跟愛 是這樣嗎? 

其實大部分我upset的點都是你的不主動 而你的不主動會讓我直接聯想你在乎我愛我的程度 導致我的不安全感會浮現

我期待在我哭我感覺委屈的時候 你可以主動安慰我一下 疼愛我一下  

我期待吵架後你可以主動來找我和好 但是似乎每次都是我花了好多時間主動去process everything and apologize to you 因為真的不想要跟你冷戰 互相傷害對方

我期待你可以為了讓我開心 主動 給我買一些小花 小零食 不是剛好經過 而是特別精心

我期待你也可以主動想要見我 而不是需要約會的時候才會覺得要來找我

我期待你可以主動也思考一下我們兩個的未來 並且把我放在你的未來計畫裡面

我期待你也可以寫信給我 也可以主動appreciate 我 

我期待你可以post sth about us on social media...

我想想總是覺得自己很自私

為甚麼總是期待你去改變呢?而時常很自責 也時常提醒自己要多去看你做的很棒我很喜歡的地方

而不是因為你做不到一小點點就推翻你愛我的行為

我覺得我們吵架的點就在這幾個當中一直繞  我們吵架的點其實常常都有一些pattern  

我期望你可以用我可以感覺到愛的方式愛我, 用我想要的方式去care things and care me 

但是這本來就不是你的方式也不是你容易去改變及做到的東西 

當我因為達不到我的期待而很upset 時  就很容易想得很糟 把事情放得很大 想起其他的期待

然後開始責怪你

你也覺得很委屈 覺得自己已經很努力了 還是做不好一樣

可能當我委屈地哭的時候你更加自責也不知道該怎麼辦怎麼變好 能做些甚麼

你也有你期待我可以尊重你的方式 讓你感受到自由和愛的方式 而當我違反了 你也會一直吞下去直到爆發

而我們要走下去  我就要學習去接受你, 並且慢慢把不符合我們關係的期待拿掉, 而要去接受你在乎我的方式 而不是你必須要作一些我期待的才覺得你在乎我   變成你不可能達到我的期待很懊惱很失望 你也覺得我在逼著你做你不想要做的事情 試圖改變你 或是覺得你做的永遠都不夠 感覺很挫敗

ˊ而事實上是你也非常努力在達到我的期待了 我也並不是沒有看到和感受到  and I should not take it for granted and not appreciate them. 

當然同時我想你也需要realize 我的不同, 然後要包容 and not take it for granted 

你也要知道我有在努力包容接受這麼不一樣的你和你做事的方式  

也要put in some effort in making things work 而不是我單方面一直在希望自己可以改變, 可以接受

我想你也為這段感情付出很多 做了很多平常也不會做的事情了 只是你部會表達 不會像我一樣要求被看見而已

或許 當我們越來越了解對方的行為模式時  這些不符合我們關係期待會慢慢地消失  

所以 要跟我和好嗎?

吵架

吵架⋯⋯

為了這所謂的他們家的母親節吵架

我感覺委屈的哭個不停

我覺得難道我在乎他媽媽有沒有被重視到

要是我是媽媽，我也希望被重視到

難道想要早點知道一下計畫錯了嗎？

他也感覺很不爽似乎被我強迫要提早去問他媽媽當天的計畫

當他媽媽告訴他晚上沒有時間時⋯⋯

他馬上就覺得，對嘛！早知道就不要提早問了，還不是沒差

但我覺得早一點知道很好啊，早一點plan what’s gonna happen

他覺得他被強迫做一件事，又在我跟他說很好啊的時候再次被reminded 他被強迫

他講話，一直解釋的態度，一直跟我講道理時，有時候真的讓我很難受，覺得反正我的好意，我替他和他媽媽過母親節著想，最後我似乎多管閒事了，最後我根本還被責怪說強迫他做他不喜歡的事

然後哭著難過的我，在電話的另一邊又是沈默，然後又是 我要去上班了 拜拜 掛電話

一句話，寶貝 別哭了 都沒有⋯⋯⋯⋯

一句安慰的話都沒有

我的腦袋回憶起上次跟他哭說希望他可以多想到我一點

給我一些驚喜，給我一些特別的禮物

然後我以為從Cancun 回來會有什麼不一樣

原來還是一樣

他還是堅持著他的原則

他念書的時間

他需要做的事情

為我的一點犧牲呢？

特別因為想要好好愛我的舉動呢？

心裡的苦毒一次湧上來

本來想要下單的kindle 一瞬間不想

本來想要跟他走進婚姻，現在又開始猶豫了

懷疑著，難道我們是不是真的不適合？

我也想要有人擔心我，疼愛我

擔心我的身體，疼愛我是他的女人，不要我受委屈

現在我不能安慰妳喔

我始終記得一句話

當我們在scuba diving的船上

我們都暈船的很嚴重

路得已經靠在船邊吐，而我也難受的呱呱叫

她看著我，我也不知道我的表情是懇求安慰還是什麼

她說： 不要指望我現在安慰妳喔，我現在沒辦法安慰妳

我有點驚訝，也有點不太明白

我想路得應該常常都在體諒我，安慰我，體會我的心情

她總是替我想，看到我的需要，體恤我任何一點的心情

我受傷，她馬上不顧麻煩的找人幫助我，幫我擦藥！明明是一個超級不喜歡麻煩別人的人

她才是實際的giver 吧！願意成全對方，願意犧牲自己的人

我是不是一直在找尋人的安慰，同理，理解⋯⋯

所以也自在的，習慣性的以為是理所當然我的好朋友對我好，照顧我，而不是先去體恤別人，照顧別人。

上帝，祢幫助我！使我更多看到別人的需要，不是只想到自己的利益⋯⋯只顧自己。犧牲一點點，付出一點點就希望被肯定

How to love and give without expecting anything back? How to love a stranger ? 

Father, mold me and help me grow! 

In Jesus name, Amen

值得學習的路得

I was a little surprised when I saw Ruth bought a bag of $8 expensive dry fruits in the airport. My initial thought is... um she does not care that much of the price probably if she really wants to eat something. Especially when I got a fresh orange with only $1.29. I was so proud of myself and I was a little bit excited if she would share with me a peice or two.

Later, while we are still waiting for boarding onto the plane, I curiously asked her “I didn’t know you love dry fruits!” 

She told me she bought it for the flight assistant lady in the counter who helped managing and coordinate all the flight delay and announcements. Wow! My mind was blowing and couldn’t manage to gasp the idea of how can someone even think about other people when our flight got delayed and waited here for 3 hours...

I was not complaining of the tiredness and I was already proud of myself because I know it is no one’s fault...

But how?! Wow!!! Then she simply hand the dry fruit to the lady telling her shyly “You did a really good job today”

A person who would give without thinking of own loss...

A person who would give unconditionally, not a little bit, but a lot, the best, to a stranger! 

Jesus, I bet she lives out You! Give and encourage, see the people who is the busiest working in the situation !!!

Oh! What a shame... that I wouldn’t think of it. Thinking back to the part when we finally sit down in the restaurant where we can use our lounge money $28 to get some food. Immediately, the waitress warned us the long time waiting for every dishes, I was a bit upset and disappoint of the situation because I wanted to order some grill salmon. Then I ended up getting Caesar salad and some shrimps, which is not bad, but I still want to have some hot food, especially they are freeee. 

Ruth paid the meal with her priority pass which covered the whole meal and gave $10 tips for the waitress. I couldn’t understand the generosity ..... the waitress was super busy serving way more tables than she could handle. But, $10 tips when I don’t even get any hot food.... I almost stayed to order more with my priority pass. How come I cannot just be satisfied that I ate quite well and it is better than no food at all already. 

Now sitting on the plane, I feel very ashamed of myself, how selfish I am and how self-centered I am. In all those situations, I thought of myself....and my benefit, and my right... my stomach... and even when I give, I would not generously give. 

I remembered a conversation with Ruth when I thought of how tired it must be for all the flight crews to serve us after rushing from flying previous planes. The next thought I had is the safety of us( the passengers), will they still be able to fly well, and serve us well after other tiredness working? Oh, what a shame...I remember Ruth replied “ya, they must be really tired” I could imagine Ruth was thinking that they are really hard working and tired and would want to care for them. 

Thinking back the whole trip, I am always counting money and thinking about not giving more tips and save money, but Ruth would asked to give tips to the boat captain, our trainer, and even people in the extreme acitvities~ and even our airbnb. But my mind was thinking we paid for it and we paid for those already, wanting to take granted for all the benfits and good. She would spend a lot of money of sourvenir for her friends, and I count for each one... I would spend more for my love ones, but for sure not for my normal normal friend. 

God, there is so much you wanted me to see from Ruth. God, help me to be more like her, that I can appreciate people around me more, and take actions in appreciating them. Father, open my eyes and let me be a generously giver instead of selfish receiver, always counting if anyone can bring me goodness. Lord, I do want to change my mindset and not see myself sooo much. 那個人怎麼怎麼對我，我怎麼怎麼被對待，他怎麼可以這樣這樣，多看到別人的辛苦以及付出。使我付出不求回報，不感覺犧牲而是可以歡喜給予，使我在金錢的給予有所突破，並且不求別人知道！

in Jesus name, amen！

Life is good- baby Kylie

Newborn baby Kylie ❤️

歡迎妳來到這個世界！

這個上帝創造很美麗的世界～

Such a joyful night of witness a newborn and be able to comfort the broken hearted girl😛

Thank you God!

Emotions

Our emotions reflect what we choose to focus on.
When I focused on my own hurt, I felt hurt and angry.
When i focused on loving other, I was filled with the love of God.

Choose to focus on loving others, rather than concentrating on my self-centered, unmet expectations.

思緒著

上帝
有一刻　我也不知道為甚麼我覺得我快要爆炸了

這些舊帳

這些我願意原諒願意放下的陳年老帳又被翻起來時

我真的很想發火

到底為什麼要再一直糾結那些感覺，那些感受

夠了吧

放過自己吧

上帝超級超級愛妳的，就相信上帝吧

當亨利說就聽聽囉，當作垃圾桶一樣被倒垃圾囉

我想，好吧！朋友不就是要更多的聆聽跟理解嗎

但是當我也需要亨利在我身邊聽我的時候

他也開始agree in how corrupt is the church system

How much hurt he had experienced... and the only solution is to avoid people and get away from the crowd.

上帝，這一刻我感覺孤立無援

甚至有些生氣覺得那亨利你那麼理解她，都覺得教會有多糟糕，那你們自己一起去一旁理解吧！

我服事起來，簡單，根本沒有這種衝突這種事情

你根本沒聽進去我想說的話！

你們都是受害者

瞬間覺得自己參與了一場我一點都不想參與的活動

而且很多人的角度和所謂的愛神的牌子

我真的無力也覺得無聊

也不是我需要去參與的事情

But I want to live a simple life, that I can serve God and love on people.

I know I am being over reacting! 

I know Henry is trying to help me understand the pain Jerty went through... and hope I can really better comfort her... when I am trying to ask Henry to bear the way too much emotion for me after listening to Jerty. 

All those complication emotions came back, and I know this is the reason why I am hesitate to get close to Jerty once again. Maybe with some jealousy, maybe with some insecurity, maybe I am just so in love with the life I have without too much interaction with Jerty. 

Lord, how can I bear all the emotions and pain from these people? Can I really love the bitterness in them? Can I accept who they are ? 

I know if I react it out to Henry, he will feel that he can’t get involved in this, and he will say, “he doesn’t care” and he will feel misunderstood. 

 

I know Jerty doesn’t mean to count all the bad things again just to ask me to apologize or anything, but simply want me to understand her, and listen to her. 

Lord, 這些感受，祢就給我更多恩典和智慧去處理吧

學會去原諒，去理解，因為我們都是罪人啊

我們都是受傷的人啊

所以夾雜在一起就是容易彼此傷害

沒有人有惡意啊⋯⋯

上帝，我不想要再跟別人抱怨，覺得自己委屈或什麼，因為也沒發生什麼事，那上帝，祢來醫治我，祢來聽我抱怨，祢來理解我，祢來當我的垃圾桶：）

祢的恩典夠我用

上帝，加添更多的愛和愛的眼光去面對我身邊我愛的人，使我更多的有智慧與他們相處

謝謝祢，讓路得願意聽我說話，使我自己走出我的情緒

其實沒什麼大不了的嘛！

哈哈

謝謝上帝～～～

回答亨利：

不想要再回去議論這些陳年舊事，這些我早已經原諒放下都忘的差不多的事情，又要重新再去聽這些委屈這些誰對誰錯，哪些東西哪些教會有問題很糟糕很哪樣哪樣，我真的不想involved... 

我或許只是需要你站在我身邊給我加油打氣讓我更有勇氣去聆聽，你說的那些你的傷痛不要接觸人就沒事，對我來說只是你很理解Jerty , 那你們兩個去一邊互相理解吧！我不理解，我的世界裡面沒有這樣

我瞬間覺得我的世界又多了一個內心還是充滿苦毒的人，然後服事都被人誤會然後被不公平對待，然後都不願意放下，然後又要再討論起這一堆事情

好像又要回去過去這半年一樣，而且說實在，亨利只是一直在逃避啊！什麼叫做就逃開人群，這樣根本不健康啊！

上帝的聲音

但是自從去了Bethel的現場敬拜

我發現能自在地跳跳唱唱敬拜是多麼多麼幸福自由的感覺啊

昨天早上服事

我發現我好期望自己可以更深的看見上帝

那個對我微笑那個慈愛的父親的臉

但我看不太清楚

我在意著有沒有更好支持worship leader

我在意著有沒有真的唱出練了超級久的合音

kept looking into my heart, does my heart mean what I sing?

I want to always have real worship, true and honest heart...

下午回家睡了一覺

去讚美之泉敬拜

遲到了十分鐘，敬拜已經開始

因為站在最後一排還被camera擋住

我反而非常自在的敬拜

沒有人看的到我

沒有人在拍我

我慢慢可以體會為甚麼Bethel的敬拜者都這麼大幅度不在意人怎麼看得跳動移動

我好開心

好自由

來到神的面前可以大聲就唱歌給祂聽

因為神的愛，神的信實而歡呼而跳躍

好感恩可以有這樣的一個地方敬拜上帝

可是我想要更深 更深的與神相遇

我非常渴慕的敬拜

然後正當我覺得 我怎麼靈進不去

我怎麼心沒辦法專心一意

然後唱到: 大大張口，大大充滿，恩膏如雨，澆灌這地'

突然

我覺得我聽到神的聲音了

上帝說: 你要甚麼 你就求阿

我腦中的下一刻就想到: Harmony

我想要會唱Harmony!!

然後那種好像上帝懂, 聽見我的禱告的那種愛就充滿我整個身體

感動的眼淚就流下來了

然後我就一邊流淚一邊說: 

上帝 我要跟你大大的要

我想要在帶敬拜上能有所突破

我好想要別人也可以經歷這樣的美好

我好想要帶好敬拜

我好想要用敬拜祝福別人

更深的一種信任

一種信任我問神, 神就懂, 祂就會給我的親密

多少時候我根本沒想過要問

因為我覺得上帝不會給我

我連想都不敢想去求

我更放鬆地在神面前敬拜

我大力地跳

我大力地搖動

我不管到底應不應該舉手 有沒有人舉手

而是我想要舉手我就舉手 

因為我知道祂一點點地在壙張的我的境界

一點點地釋放我 使我得自由

之後Mary上台說話 (我當下以為她又要說 肢體身體病痛需要的人 馬上想說 喔那跟我沒關)

她感覺到上帝今天要釋放一些人 正覺得自己最近很dry

跟神的關係很dry

不要留在原地 等待

張開雙手 先去求 先去歡迎上帝

唱不出來更要唱 

讚美不出來更要讚美

馬上又流下來眼淚

這陣子的敬拜有一點dry

這陣子真的跟神的關係有一點dry

而且這使得我會常常看重自己能不能付出 想不想付出  斤斤計較

可能是因為真的沒有花時間在神面前安靜

讀祂的話語

但是  上帝真的很愛我

平凡的一天

我不是帶著剛吵架的傷痛

更不是帶著某些苦毒

但是上帝的愛和澆灌還是這麼的真實美好

又被提醒當我們真實被神充電時

我不再懼怕人

我不再hesitate to talk to people

我充滿精神 喜樂 可以面對所有的人

上帝 祢好愛我

我也沒有做甚麼好事

but yet You love me..You talk to me, You want me to just ask!!

Thank you Lord

廖智

{在结婚的前三天廖智还特意发表了博文《还有三天》，提到在当天准备：“感谢神，还有三天，那个众人祷告等候的美丽日子就来了，从前想过很多种可能，以为会讲很多话来展现见证神的荣美，然而在预备的过程中越来越发现原来那爱太丰盛是言语不能描述，我们便将这爱完全的隐匿，以我们所能做到的最大努力以生命流露出来。好吧，就此打住。愿在那一天，我们眼中不见一人一物，唯见基督的荣美！”}



人最清醒的時候, 其實就是面對死亡的那時刻
才知道自己想要抓住甚麼
這個世界最終需要的不是堅強
而是永不止息的愛與希望


very encouraging...
What is important in this life I am living?
On the day of my death, did I actually make any impact? if a little?
有時候想想 要是真的不在這個世界上
世界也是繼續運行
公司同事繼續上班
男朋友亨利也可以再找一個女朋友結婚生小孩
身邊的朋友們也是照樣過日子啊
家人 我應該會很想很想他們
妹妹 應該會很想我吧


我可以留給世界一些甚麼呢? 我可以做一些甚麼呢?
讓人多一點快樂?
讓人認識上帝! 能夠有永生的生命
那我能夠怎麼活呢?
我現在腦子裡又都在為了甚麼而轉呢?
一大堆亨利今天怎樣怎樣 一大堆要怎麼manage我的時間 做些甚麼事情 運動 彈琴 吃健康
我花多少時間禱告呢? 我又能做些甚麼呢?

Never too late to change

Toastmaster Theme: Never too late to change

As a Christian -our church participates the tradition of Lent.

 (Mar 6- April 18)

Ash Wednesday, Mar 6
Holy Saturday, April 20

Good Friday-> Easter April 21

Fasting: powerful time of renewing your relationship with God. A way to disciplining, say "no" to the temptations/ addicting.

In our church, we don't have to fast food, but we can fast anything that we think is preventing or take away the attention we ought to put on God.

I chose to stop using Facebook/Instagram, social media...

I found it way too addicting, prevent me from focus on what is important, and what my heart desires. And I would care too much about what other people would think of me, create such images with the rightful wording...

There are too many voices shouting to me the fashion, the opinions, the good-looking models, the cool kind of pictures. It made connecting with people more superficial.

at first it is hard, fingers muscle and brain muscle go to the location on the phone automatically, and a little bit sad of feeling missing out what other people's doing...losing the freedom of access it.

but later, i find it more relief, so much more time I get to spend quality time with my love ones, and with myself, I get to spend more time reflecting, and focus enjoy the things I have always wanted to do.

I don't know what's preventing you from the life style you truly desire.

Maybe think of a way to discipline yourself, it may seem to regulate you at times, but often it gives you more freedom. Discipline set you free

Like how I feel more freedom when I don't use Facebook/Instagram, because instead of information shouting at me, I can have the chance to pick and choose what is good for me with more free time. instead of caring way too much, comparing myself with other girls, I learn to spend time alone and appreciate myself more. 

It is never too late to change...

Time of renewing

Time of reflecting

Time of quietness/meditate

Time of get rid of bad habit

Time of picking up the long forgotten yearly set goal

Time of re-commit

Rethink what bad habit, block you from the fullness of enjoying life, from living out the fullness of life. What's that one little think you can change in your life? 

Back to Social Life

Fasting social media

Mar 6- April 21

今天耶穌復活了！

也是我解禁用social media 的日子，算一算，總共47天沒有打開Facebook &Instagram.

很多人說我很厲害可以真的做到，但是其實一但決定不用，感覺還蠻輕鬆的。與世界隔離的感覺莫名的好，雖然似乎miss了幾個人的生日，幾個人的新生寶寶，幾個人的婚禮照片，但我的世界似乎照常運作著。我愛與愛我的人還是會繼續聯絡著，大致的好消息會主動跟我講的就還是會跟我講，我的世界少了很多各式各樣的聲音。看不到別人過的如何，我也不會常不自覺得去羨慕，也不會不自覺的給予批評與評論，當然也少了一個新聞跟資訊聯絡的獲取方式，哈哈😄 我似乎不是被動式的要看到每個人散發出的流行，動態，和聲音，而是有選擇的去真正關心我想關心想聯絡的朋友，主動的text & call &meet up! 更專心的活在我的當下，更認真的面對我在面對的人事物，而不讓一堆有的沒有的聲音控制影響我的腦袋。當然最重要的是也少了分享給全世界我的照片的管道 哈哈哈哈 有些感動，有些學習，有些成長跟感悟只能自己默默寫下來，或是分享給身邊親近的幾個家人朋友，不過，也罷也好，希望知道關心我的人自然也會來關心我吧！不能當下分享出去也少了我需要在意雕琢我用的字眼說詞，不用在意別人如何看怎麼想。然後其實發現根本沒有人真的那麼關心我的世界發生什麼事😂常常只是自己自作多情罷了 哈哈哈哈

說實在，今天可以開始用，我並沒有迫不期待及興奮，甚至有點擔心我又回到以前總是上癮的沒幾分鐘都會想翻開去滑一滑來填補任何的空閒，然後觀察人與人的behavior 和誰會like 哪樣的post⋯😅他或她喜歡甚至關注哪樣的事情，是有什麼樣的個性和在乎什麼。亨利會不會like 我的post and pic or command on them~

這段時間，我在學習休息，學習安靜

常常發現自己總是大包小包的出門，半夜很晚才又帶著疲憊的身體和一堆東西回家⋯ 其實那個reflect my messy mind state..

不是說真的睡不夠，或是沒有自己的時間，而是發現自己習慣性的要把所有時間塞滿，貪心的想要做好全部的事情，不管是教會的服事，toastmaster, piano class, gym life, relationship, friendships, family...我的腦袋無止盡的再思考下一件事要幹嘛，接下來的計畫是什麼，要去哪裡玩，明天的行程要帶些什麼，敬拜要選歌，找人，練習，要給亨利準備些什麼吃的喝的，要怎麼更愛他。

然後我發現當我真的沒有花一段很優質的時間專心的來到我的創造主面前安靜思考，有對話，有發洩，有訴說，有領受，我真的覺得生活快把我拖垮了。腦中只是裝滿了健身，感情，食物，和un-ending todo list.

也發現自己越來越抗拒面對一堆人的場面，有時候在公司能不要與人講話就不要⋯⋯有些內向的傾向 哈哈

我想我需要與我的耶穌時常連結，並且更照顧我自己的boundary，不要貪心的讓我自己無法休息。

選擇早一些回家，早一些自己坐下來敷敷臉思考休息。

選擇更善待我自己，才能健康的去愛別人

Jesus has risen!

Dear Jesus,

You have risen from death! You have overcome death, brought hope and light to all! How glorious! How marvelous! How wonderful! 

Jesus, thank you for Your love for us~ when we don’t deserve. Lord, I confess my sin once again that thank you for washing it white as snow. Sorry Lord, though my mind wants to follow You, and my heart wants to overcome, my body sometimes do the opposite. Father, help me to make each decision right and pleasing to You. 

Father, give me idea for the theme of the toastmaster! 

Father, let me truly live out that new life You have died on the cross in my relationship, in my workplace, and in my family, and in social media. I surrender my life to You once again, and decide to follow You wholeheartedly.

In Jesus name, Amen!

2019 Good Friday

Jesus,
Thank you for dying for us on the cross 2019 years ago.
Thank you for showing this sacrificial love that beyond imagine.
Thank you for all the pain and hurt and the feeling of betrayal ...so that we can reconnect with the Father, so we can be saved.

Lord, how do I take the cross, bear my own cross and walk with You. Jesus thank you.
I love You.

洞穴外的我

My conversation with Ruth

早上起床 看到他十二點四十傳給我說寫功課所以明天打給我

我就突然大哭😭

心裡的那些情緒好像一瞬間爆炸出來

直到他打給我 我都沒辦法接電話

我覺得我接電話我會很崩潰

而且會無限怪他

無限多情緒

我一直在整理為什麼我無法開心接納原諒的接他的電話，為什麼我心裡反而覺得我也有權利不想接電話就不要接電話⋯為什麼都是我一直在調整希望我自己可以永遠接納包容愛他，但是當我需要他回來的時候，他卻選擇把我放在門外，我覺得我始終無法釋懷。而且我覺得這種emotion disconnect 讓我真的很害怕，我覺得他沒有辦法接納我的情緒，也沒辦法接納我狀態不好的時候，我覺得他打給我的時候我會大哭，我會難過，我會希望他疼惜我，知道我辛苦了，會希望他安慰我，但是我怕我得不到，我怕他沒有辦法接受哭泣難過感到有些受傷的我，他可能更加不知道該怎麼處理，可能會離我更遠。我覺得我需要更多的的愛來選擇原諒並且接近這個人。或許我的底線是一天，我想我需要晚上就要和好，晚上就要彼此相愛，一拖到隔天，我睡不好，心理害怕跟生氣被拋下的感覺就會烙印⋯

我知道他可能也很需要我接納他在山洞裡

也很希望我可以理解他

我同時也怕我現在把小事放大，他只是需要一些時間跟空間而已，他只是需要我接納這樣的他而已，但我難道真的還要再很嚴肅的跟他表達我其實內心在呼叫，我的感受其實很受傷，我可以幽默的forgive and let go and pretend nothing happened?

不要什麼事情都戳破 然後敞開 然後怎麼和好怎麼解決呢

我覺得我內心有種很邪惡的想法，也想讓他體驗一下找不到我，我不接他電話的感受。好像每次都是我希望可以打電話，他好像只是在do me a favor, 我想 我希望他珍惜我

我想我需要放下自己，選擇去愛他，選擇去原諒他，被不接電話的感受很不好受，我真的捨得讓他去體驗這種擔心害怕的感覺嗎

我知道我也想要搞消失，也想要躲起來，讓他知道擔心我，珍惜我，讓他需要我，讓他珍惜我在身邊

每次這樣想，我就覺得我們幹嘛互相折磨

我們是partner

為什麼要用這種方式希望得到些什麼

希望得到被珍惜

希望得到attention 

希望他可以表達需要我 不想失去我 

但會不會最後本末倒置 讓他內心也開始害怕 那這樣真的是兩敗俱傷

我想，現在我有底氣這樣子搞消失，可能也是知道他不會輕易丟下我了吧

我想他也需要被鼓勵，他已經有進步, 有傳簡訊讓我知道, 也想知道他已經夠好了，足夠了！我願意接受那樣原本的他。其實他就算很需要我，他也不願意時常承認，更加說不出口，愛面子，但是我要對自己有信心他當然是需要我的啊！

我想 愛情/相處這件事常常沒有誰對誰錯，在乎於願不願意犧牲自己，去先愛，去選擇原諒，選擇愛，但同時也讓對方知道你的需要，讓對方有機會可以用你被愛的方式愛你。只要雙方都願意一起繼續跳舞，一直願意選擇原諒，了解，包容，就可以繼續相愛下去。

下午吧，讓我心情緩緩的處理，下班晚上再面對吧

Jesus choose to love

You have the choice to not do what God’s calling, but Jesus choose to follow God’s calling in making the choice of dying and suffering.

Surrender to You

Dear Heavenly Father,

What is my life about? About love, about what love? Father, let me rest in You. Let me rest in You. Let my soul rest in You. Lord, I proclaim that I belong to You! I am Yours. I am Your daughter. Daddy, I need peace, where can I find peace in my soul? Why do I find it so restless ? Help me focus on You Abba Father. 主啊你是偉大的神，再也沒有比祢更偉大的！lord You never let me go, through it all! You are faithful to me! Lord, once again, I give You my life and my heart, my soul! I surrender it to You once again, father, it is too hard for me to control it, and be so conscious about it! Lord, You help me, You lead me, You walk with me! Teach me to walk in the step of faith, teach me to learn to trust in You! Father, I once again put my job, my identity, my relationship, my family in Your hands! Father, bless them, bless those whom I love, and whom You love even more deeeply. In Jesus name, amen! 

Sing loud praise

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am so afraid of failing

I am so afraid of not doing a good job

I am so afraid of imperfect 

I am so exausted of serving... even in front of the kids.

無法掩飾自己很疲累，很煩躁，很多東西跟著我，不輕鬆的感覺，又遲到⋯又沒準時進去房間待位被人提醒。好像準備的不夠不好。

在孩子面前一點都沒辦法隱藏，早上練了一早的動作全部都忘記了，大家眼睛看著你好像有點陌生，有點無奈，有點看穿我的感覺，讓我感覺赤裸裸的

看著老師們，孩子們看我的眼神，我知道他們感受的到我那個不自在的感受

But Lord, thank You that because of You, 我可以不要臉

我可以再次跳起來，唱Worship songs，不管我的動作多幼稚，忘記了，不consistent, 但是上帝跟孩子在意的是我敬拜真實渴慕喜悅的心，不是真的動作多完美，多有趣，多美好。

Perfection is the counterfeit of excellence. Excellence is kingdom, while perfectionism is religion. 

Lord, thank you that I may come to You this morning, serving the little kids, and worship with them. Father, no matter how lazy, how last min, how imperfect I am, how not ready I am, how frustrate I have inside, how I am incapable, but Lord, Your grace is sufficient for me. You see my heart of trying, You see my heart of Worship. Therefore I will rejoice in You once again. Therefore I will rejoice for You are good to me. 

Don’t be afraid

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows:) 

Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

You know my heart so well and You understand me. Father, You know if I can do well in this position or not, and if You think I can handle it, then please open door for me. Lord, if You think I should stay in my position and continue to strive for better improvement, or let me open to the other possibility job, then don’t open this opportunity for me. Father, seriously I am nervous just after the conversation. Lord, I often wonder what’s the purpose of my life? What can I do to better serve Your people. What is it that ability that you want me to use... and how can I use it in my job? Vlogger? Makeup artist? Wedding planner? Program manager? Engineer? 

Father, give me a heart of courage, willing to step out of my comfort zone and pursue what true passion. A passion for people, a passion to share! In Jesus name, Amen!

Prayer for forgiveness

謊言:
我需要做個完美的女朋友, 他所喜歡的那種輕鬆不給他壓力, 不試圖改變他, 能夠接受他 包容他不反駁他 樂觀開心  總是鼓勵他 仰慕他 對他微笑 而且給他面子  不在外面讓他丟臉 不是很麻煩的女朋友

越害怕自己犯錯 越不想做自己 越否定自己 越覺得自己很糟糕 對自己標準很高很多 做不到 很挫折 想放棄  覺得自己沒有資格和能力好好愛這個人
最怕自己掉到這種沒有盼望的洞裡出不來的感覺
為甚麼又這樣
我明明那麼努力要追求上帝 為甚麼又變成emotional 為甚麼又要哭  為甚麼明明沒什麼事又要upset
我明明覺得我有在更了解他了, 我明明覺得我會做好的, 我明明知道他需要甚麼, 他要怎麼感覺到愛

我不想要被人家說 我情緒不穩 我有問題 我沒有辦法控制情緒
為什麼我要一直看著自己 為甚麼我要這麼希望自己能怎麼樣呢? 你是因為害怕不被接納嗎? 害怕被拋下嗎? 害怕別人覺得你很麻煩嗎?



謊言:
我有情緒, 不完美的狀態接近他 我只會犯錯 只會搞砸 到時候他會覺得很辛苦 我在指責責怪他
說也不是  不說又委屈的要命





蔡月貽 你好累 辛苦妳了 妳知道就算世界上的人沒有辦法接受這樣的妳 上帝還是抱抱妳 愛妳 就算沒有這段感情 你也還是上帝寶貝的女兒  妳爸爸媽媽的女兒

上帝
祢來釋放原諒我 對我自己的不接納 祢來原諒蔡月貽對自己的責備 還有批評控告自己 不進步 不改進 "又" 如何如何 祢來原諒蔡月貽的驕傲覺得自己要做到100% 才會被愛這種孤兒的心, 祢來原諒我不相信自己有能力愛人 有能力成為祝福 有能力選擇不傷害別人 

Lord, You replaced those lies and 控告，定位 with the truth that I am beloved, I am lovable, I may be weak and have emotion when I sense something and when I tries to protect myself, but I am fully capable of loving Henry. Replace those lies about giving pressure to Henry with the truth of I am not the source of problem and I am not the one who gives pressure. Replace with the truth that I am responsible and Emotion is not wrong and it is ok to be not perfect girlfriend, and it is ok to have emotion, it is ok to feel insecured, and it is ok to feel upset, it does not mean you are a terrible person that Henry or your father doesn’t like. Father, forgive Candy for selling lies and being harsh to herself. Forgive her and heal the inner her with Your everlasting love, the love that forgive, the love that renew, the love that gave hope, the love that bear weakness, the love that has power. Replace those lies with truth that Candy is a great girlfriend who is always striving to love more, forgive first, and take action in loving other people, who care, who has compassion, who likes to take care of people, who truly tries to understand people. Replace the lies of Candy needs to run to a place to fix all her problems and issues before he can be healthy to work this relationship thing out. Replace the tendency of wanting to run away with the truth of Henry loves and accept the way she is, and would hope Candy is freely happy to be where she is, so she doesn’t need to run away because the Father in heaven is with her, and fully embrace her and accept her. Henry is too...

Father, forgive Candy and replace those lies and fear with courage and with confidence. Thank You Father for loving me and telling me that I can be who I am as where I am, I don’t need to run away and make myself perfect, because God is what’s matters~~ In Jesus name, 

上帝的兒女 4/5/19-4/7/19 Coworker retreat

天父-我們是上帝的兒女

不是奴僕的心

我們不是要討父親的歡心，而是希望我們去享受/恢復那個關係

靈修時最大的挑戰

Lack of focus 

時間排太滿，行程排太緊，other better things to do

想要完美，所以覺得要花good amount of times to do it, 導致最後就被排到最後或是end up 沒做

人是會讓你失望的，豬隊友！

主啊，我想要花時間來釋放我對亨利的一些失望，我期望他會是帶領我的屬靈夥伴，甚至是領袖，但是和他在一起之後，似乎是常常讓我無意識的覺得我要扛我們的感情的屬靈，我要更有責任的親近神，我要更喜樂的服事親近神，我要成為更好的基督徒。主啊，我願意原諒他，也願意釋放他！也願你來釋放我這奴僕的心，坦然無懼帶著我的問題，不足，單單來到祢的面前，來享受，來信任祢的愛。因為祢也願意原諒我們，也願意釋放我們。謝謝你， 奉主的名，阿們

信任人，信任上帝，安全感，接納自己的不完美

學會等待，交託，相信他的愛 

在這當中被醫治，恢復我女兒的樣式

更多仰望神享受神，不是專注在問題上面

Mission fund monthly.

Tyth regularly

Me? Extrovert?

Extroverts
Strengths
-strong social skill
-Working in groups- communicate better
-Talking about their feelings, sometimes share too much at tmes, valunerbility
-Entertaining people
-Easy to be the center of the attention (like attention), performing on stage, presentation, hosting parties
-First Impressions (dating, job interview), outgoing nature
-Flirting, confidence
-enthusatic
-Natural risk taking, next exicting advanture
-able to make friends from all walks of life, variety
-curiosity brings unique experience
-Likely to succeed in their career (highly conscintious, constanly figure out how things work, motivated by challenges)
-People oriented


Weakness
-Being alone
-Dealing with Boredom
-Talking too much
-Being clingy (want to depend on people)
-Revealing too much

after finding out all these, I can say I have shift from extrovert to a little introvert. I have noticed my introvert side and maybe that is why I actually do rather love to hang out with introvert and find them specially interesting and conversation more insightful.

I want to thank God for creating me as who I am. I thank God for giving me different kind of people around me who give me advice when I need, who open up different world to me, who doesn't judge me but listen to me.
Lord, I love You so much.

In Jesus name, Amen.

Understand Introverts people

Introverts

-having thought provoking conversation
-don't like chitchat- meaningless talk, hate small talk
-A lot of socializing can be overwhelming
-want to get straight down to the meat of things (deepest thought, desires, dreams)
-have a therapist guidance counselor mentality and charisma, causing us to make you feel more comfortable with speaking your mind and soul.
-get a satisfaction of having a meaningful conversation with someone without having to fill the empty space with chitchat
-someone who will really listen to you and your thoughts.

-being effective sales people
-pay attention care and are comfortable in familiar situations

-Introverts love to swaddled in love and affection by those close to them especially furry friends (animals)
-they sympathize with animals and can calm a troubled pet since they are experienced with calming their own troubled minds.
- they are like animal, they have a lot of energy and want to have fun, eat and get their belly rubbed but when all is said and done they need their rest

-Being Observant
-Introvert analyze the surrounding,  rather than focus on biases, so when they finally voice out their misgivings, they should be taken seriously.

- they are also the ones to be the devil's advocate notice flaws and ideas and concepts
-they spend a lot of times thinking about the worst possible situation and how to get out of them.

-listen to your troubles, since introverts know how hard it is for them to express their emotions verbally, if a loved do express his feelings to them they will listen hard and well, perfect for when you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to hear your story.

-Sensitive to pain, familiar with pain and suffering, so they are quite experienced on how to alleviate any emotional pain your are going through.

-introverts don't speak quite often so when they do every single word was chosen very careful, sometimes due to this introverts may take a while to get a sentence out since they are mentally preparing and rehearsing each word before they say it.

-know themselves well, quiet persons have the loudest minds, constantly having inner monologues, evaluating themselves and their choices in everyday situations.

-their minds are constantly urging for more facts and things to ponder over in the silence of their daily lives.
-Don't like spotlight
-Don't want to cause other trouble


What I like about introvert? (Henry, Ruth)
Always feel free and secured to share my hardest feeling/situation with them.
Always have deeper meaningful kind of conversation, walk out getting different perspective and insight. walk out feeling more relief & and educated.
sometimes know me better than myself
Always feels like being listened, understood, never judged or have biases. Great great listener. provide incredible advice like counselors, source of wisdom.
Humors, react quick with jokes. super smart with logic
Always notice my need to details, take actions of helping others instead of speak it out loud.
Prepared, professionals, on time, humble, attentive, careful to detail, get the work done very nicely, thinking before acting, triple check themselves...remind me and I can look up/admire.
They know who they are, what they want, and what is important to them.- confident!
Being loyal friend, will not betray you, will never talk your secret behind your back or lie to you in a harmful way. cherished friendships and would never betray someone who once confided in them. Value relationship and try hard to maintain them. best friend you ever had.

They choose friends carefully, quality over quantity

10 things introverts need in a relationship
-Meaningful conversation- hoping to discuss open ended question
-less stimulating environments
-take it slow
-Be understanding, sense/consider their feeling, don't enjoy conflict, more careful about what battle to fight
-provide mental support, they often overthinking,  play best friend role
-read between the lines
-respect the space
-spend quality time together
-Fully accept them, assure to love them for who they are
-don't assume