My mind couldn't rest and it has been going on since Wednesday.
Such a torture roller coaster to once again woke up in the middle of the night restless.
Felt bad to disturb Ruth's sleeping condition, I got up of the bed and sit on the ground.
I was nervous, I was insecure, I was self-doubting...
I was thinking...
What should I say to him tmr? How should I react tmr? Can I cry? Will he push me away again? Will he be happy seeing me? Will he feel stress seeing me? If I want to eat with him, is it too much? Am I bothering his quiet time and because I am too selfish again? Do I just hide my emotion? How can I be happy after went through all these torture for 4 days? Does he has any idea what had happened to me all these days? Oh no, then he would feel blamed again...Is my need more important, is my feeling and emotions more important than his? He must also went through some kind of torture, maybe it is a kind of hurt/blamed that I do not understand. Can I simply just love on him and forgive him? Yes, I can...Does that mean that I don't love myself? lolll
Bunch of questions bomb in my mind, restless... like in a loop...self-doubt..no longer trust our relationship...but I also do trust him and all of those memories are REAL. And I know I have to just trust in God and He is good and love me and will give me the best!!
I know I should have self-confident for myself that I won't be given up by Henry easily, and I am worthy to be loved, and he has his problem and his way of dealing with stress/conflict that I am getting to know to respect.
blah blah blah.. whining...releasing...whining...releasing (Thank God I have angel friends who would listen to me and comfort me/distract me)
Yesterday, I am simply happy and released:)
I was so happy to see him that I just want to smile. The rock inside me suddenly dropped that I can start to eat food/ feel tired.
I was so released seeing him looked at me, there were a bit "don't know how to handle/ emptiness" in his eyes, and I understand it and I know he is waiting to be loved/embraced. At the moments, I don't care about what happened and I don't care about being rejected, all my pain and those restless nights/ tears/fear/ anger suddenly disappeared. All I wanted to do it to go closer to him and just stay by his side and smile at/ love on him. I know I love this man.
I can't help myself but capture his handsome guitar teaching shots from the back.
I can't help but touch him and hold his hands.
I can't help but smile at him and care for him.
I can't help but hug him and saying I miss him. and I do miss him.
And as I am listening to the sermon, there is that joy and peace coming out of me, and I know it is God who use this hard time in our relationship to teach me to trust. I need to trust that I am loved by God and by Henry, so even though there are disappoint times, I am still loved. A lot of times, I have fear to unknown event/issues, and I couldn't trust God loves me & is good to me all the time. Even I do not understand how a person who love me can treat me this way, I still trust that he loves me. We have different ways of handling issues in our lives, and it may seems to me that his reaction is unloving, but I believe he has his need/ his issues too. I feel thankfulness flowing out of me knowing I am growing and learning about trust/love/forgiveness through all the brokenness. And I think it is worth it, getting to know my weakness, my unbelief, my self-centered, my fear, and how much I actually love this man. I lack the trust in God, in myself, and in him.
Later after SOP, although there is still slightly doubt of being rejected whether he would want me or not, I choose to trust that I am worthy to be loved, and I am never rejected by God. I said ok with courage, and went to to his place after the class. After dinner with him and his parents, I went to his room like nothing happened, I sit with him when he is trying hard to study. I massage his shoulder because that is all I can do to help and show support other than prepared snacks. Later, he hug me deeply and slowly said "SORRY". I nodded and I think it is enough.
I am in progress of learning to think of my words/use my words more carefully. Sometimes it is not loving and caring if we only think about express our honest thoughts & feeling way too quickly. It doesn't mean we should lie/ hide, but our words should be there to build people up, not to blame and judge people. Do not trust my own feeling/ emotion that much but the truth. It is healthy to release the emotion, but not to use it to blame and ask more from people.
Again, a lot of time, I do not need to feel sad/angry/injustice for myself, because most of times, it is no big deal. I need to have more self-confident that i don' t need to perceive things with those feelings. simply no need. It just shows my insecurity, and out of confidence...
Ruth said, I did a good job of resolving this relationship issue with Henry.
I felt she is patting on my shoulder :) Thank you! I am learning and growing.
Giving is sooo much better than receiving. It is true. Especially to those you love deeply.
I am thankful I get to spend my own time reading, spend time with Ruth, spend time learning and doing what I wanted to do.
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