27th years old

Letter to myself and to my love ones

Hey Candy! Your love ones are here with you for your birthday.

Thinking about what and how do I want to celebrate my 27th bday. Supposedly the last birthday before I get married! I am still single now lol yes, single lady

I am somewhat a dreamer( live in fairy tail land) and a perfectionist, and although I dream about having surprised Birthday, but reality is I want to make sure I am not disappoint, and I still get what I want on my birthday. Just for myself. And that is to have all of you around with me. 

All of you being my closest friends should already know that I am a person who values relationship and friendships A lot! Sometimes too much. 

So I am truly grateful you are here tonight to spend time with me:) 你們每一個人都是在我生命裡面非常特別, 感動的存在

Today I want to share my journey/reflection of my past year. 

1.     Situation: Fear/anxious about all the uncertain, Church, relationship, God told me to wait..

2.     Spiritual Counselling – healing, forgiving, inner vows/lies, knowing myself process

3.     Read, pray, Fasting for Henry understand and get touched by God’s love. Fasting social media for 47 days

4.     Engaged

5.     What I learn about myself, and about God

In the past year, there are many ups and downs, with my love life, with work, with my fellowship church life, and with my relationship with God. 

Beginning of the year, I started to think about the meaning of marriage. and yes, as we get more intimate emotionally and physically, I started to feel very insecured and anxious about if our relationship is going anywhere or if he is second thought our relationship. I started to push and punch Henry here and there about when are we going to get married.
Although it is something I would not think of myself be doing, something I thought only happen in TV drama...His answer is always: i don't know...I need more time. I felt something is missing...
焦慮，失望，自責，哭泣，情緒化都會時不時跑出來, self doubt about myself not good enough, having too much emotion...

And at the same time I am praying hard to know what kind of man, marriage I actually want...


Henry and I often time get into really big discussion about church, about fellowship, and he questioned and criticized about the actual fruit that can be carried out through fellowship...through meeting every Friday...through the way we do thing now...

I started a journey with a spiritual counselor every two weeks.
I read through different marriage book, sermon, teaching about marriage, about man not wanting to commit to marriage yet...
I was reading book about church, and I raised bunch of questions about God, about how he sees church today, about what is it that He actually cares...


It is kind of chaos stage in my life...non of things in my life is stable or steady as i wanted them to be.

My boyfriend was not sure about getting married with me.
Many questions about church and fellowship purpose need to be answered. All the ways I was serving faithfully got questioned, and I was anxious about those two important parts of my life.

I told God, if this is the man you want me to get married to, show me sign! And I asked two signs from HIM.

Although no one can really understand my heart at the time, neither do i,
Sometimes I feel lonely that I feel no one can really understand me, but God told me, He understands. And its enough.

God remind me to - wait, & enjoy and be healed by His love. 

" We want to move forward in our lives. We want to keep saying "I'm fine" and pressing ahead as if that's really true. But Jesus in his infinite love for us sometimes slows us down for a season so that he can heal our hearts"

Tears immediately came down..God is using everything to make me believe in Him more. To make me go into this season of fasting for Henry. Of slowly understand His love and who He is. and I can be healed. Yes...I definitely need time to be healed.

i started fasting for 40 days...for Henry
I wanted him to go back to church. I wanted him to not leave God, leave faith.

But it turned out, it is the best and deeper time with God.
I forced myself to not eat lunch, but go to car and simply read bible, pray, and listen.
I remembered the goodness of simply enjoy God's words, and sweet sweet presence.
i got reminded that it is only a process for Henry, a stage of hitting wall, of not receiving anything...and God loves him so much more than i love him.

With the spiritual counselor, I learned about inner vows, and I pray to forgive myself hurting blaming myself. I pray to forgive my mom, or anyone who hurt me and make me believe I am less valuable than how God sees me.

I am ...

-想被愛的女孩

-內心深處接納我自己，愛我自己

-自責自己不是一個自己希望能夠成為的人（在沒辦法坦然接受自己的時候），會哭，會guilt trip Henry, 會情緒勒索

-想得到attention，跟被特別對待來知道自己的價值，來知道自己是值得被愛的，值得被喜歡的，因為太想有這樣被愛的安全感時，會哭，會鬧會怪罪跟責怪別人，使亨利能來看到我，鼓勵我，愛我，稱讚我，給我價值，比我自己還先接納我自己

-怕被討厭，怕被不喜歡，怕衝突，怕不完美，怕自己失望，怕別人失望，怕自己沒用，在別人生命中是沒用的，不被需要的

-價值常常建立在我能付出多少，給予多少，有沒有被需要，有沒有被想到

1. You can love and embrace yourself, be a little bit selfish. 累的時候就承認，真心的接納自己的軟弱以及生命中的不完美不完全

2. 妳的價值不在妳的家人朋友怎麼看妳對待妳，也不在於妳在工作的成就以及突破，妳原本就是被愛的，被上帝狠狠愛的女兒，不是因為妳做了些什麼
3. 上帝很希望你單純享受在他的愛裡做自己, 疼愛自己, 多給自己一點時間跟空間

4. You have to say out what you want and need. 認真面對自己的人, 是勇敢的人 麻煩一點  難搞一點又怎麼樣呢?  身邊愛你的人都願意愛這樣的你喔

5. discipline set you free. Freedom to pick and choose what is good for me. Discipline also gives you strength, away from bad habit

7. Our emotions reflect what we choose to focus on.

When I focused on my own hurt, I felt hurt and angry.When i focused on loving other, I was filled with the love of God.
Choose to focus on loving others, rather than concentrating on my self-centered, unmet expectations.
祢來釋放原諒我 對我自己的不接納對自己的責備 還有有時候批評控告自己  不喜歡自己哭  有情緒 因為這些都不是屬於你的

8. I am at home…surrender, trust God will give you the best …

Pray for me….

上帝,

在這個即將進入二十七歲的夜晚, 謝謝你讓我身邊都是我愛,愛我的人與我一起

你是這些謊言的相反  你來原諒我的罪 我的驕傲  我孤兒的心

Replace with a new one, strong one, the truth that I am loved wholly and solely by You.

你讓我知道我自己的價值不是從我有多少朋友 有多少朋友喜歡我  爸爸媽媽是不是以我為榮  有甚麼優點 有甚麼樣賺很多錢的工作 甚至頭銜  這一切美好事物的源頭都是你 上帝

Father, forgive Candy and replace those lies and fear with courage and with confidence. Thank You Father for loving me and telling me that I can be who I am as where I am, I don’t need to run away and make myself perfect, because You are what is matters.

上帝 新的一年  我要更深更深超練信心的功課  安靜的功課 等待的功課  捨棄手上東西的功課  還有經歷兩人成為一人的祝福  兩家成為一家  婚禮的籌備可以經歷到你的豐豐富富的恩典和供應, refresh me to the origin me…to how you created me.

I wish to be a broken vessel for You to use.

I wish to disciple people for your kingdom, I want to teach about worship, importance of our sound/voice

I want to video tape, video edit my life, my moments... document it.

想要有一個可以充滿神榮耀的婚禮, 祝福到不認識上帝的人~